Amy's 'momentary trouble'

Short, but sweet...The new site

2007-03-17T23:30:00.000-05:00

Today Brittany had solo and ensemble competition. She had three events scheduled, a triple trio, a solo and a duet, but was only able to do two of them as the second portion of her duet, had been sick and had no voice to sing with. Tomorrow, the boys and I have the basketball banquet to attend and Trevor has baseball try outs.

I have the new site up, but haven't placed a posting out there as of yet. If you'd like to look, here is the address: http://vinceslifesong.blogspot.com/ My plan right now is to write about twice a week and I will talk about the kids, life and whatever strikes me as needing to be said. I have appreciated all of you, your prayers, thoughts, words of encouragement and support. I welcome you to continue this 'walk' with me and From This Point Forward, I'll be writing at the new site. On one hand, it's almost like I'm leaving a part of me behind, but on the other, I know that's not true as that is such a part of me that I am quite sure that times and portions will be revisited.
Thank you, everyone of you...

For the love of Amy - V

Basketball and the Sunday Surprise

2007-03-13T22:06:00.000-05:00

This past Saturday Vinny had his home basketball tournament. His team lost one game and won two…they took 5th place. The second game was very close all the way down to the wire and actually went past a first overtime to a ‘Shootout’ where Baraboo won! Very exciting! It’s really quite funny to watch these little boys…young athletes play this sport! Obviously, they want to win the game, but to look at them, they’re just happy to be on the court running up the court and back. Except for the banquet next Sunday, basketball is finished for another year. Brittany took Trevor, Vinny and Hope to the high school musical/play, Suessical the Musical on Sunday afternoon…Hope LOVED it!
Sunday morning we attended church (as usual) and we normally attend the 8:00 service, go to Sunday school afterwards and then head home. However, because of the daylight savings time adjustment, I decided to let the kids sleep in and we’d go to Sunday school and then attend the 11:00 service. So, as we get to church, several ladies greet me and tell me; ‘That was such a nice song Joni did!’ and not really thinking about it, and not having heard it, I just sort of nodded my head and let it be. After Sunday school, I rounded up the kids and we went and sat down for church. I noticed immediately that the choir was going to sing as the microphones were setup, and after the normal praise set (which the choir helped by singing the back up vocals), Joni Cross (one of our resident concert pianists and a composer in her own right) came to the podium and said that 2 days before Amy’s passing, God gave her the words to a song that she composed. She wrote each choral part, each part for the instruments and has dedicated the song to the memory of Amy S. Howard. Neither the kids, nor I was prepared for this. I remember in the fog of the days that followed Amy’s death, Joni had sent the words to me and said that it was her intent to dedicate the song to Amy’s memory. I had long since forgotten this, but all of it came rushing back as I sat and listened to the rich harmonies of the choir. Vinny and Hope were watching me for my reaction and I saw Brittany, tears streaming down her face, her head held low and Trevor, sitting next to me, obviously stirred, but holding his emotions in check. We were sitting in the second row, so I was close enough to the choir to see several ladies with tears in their eyes. They sounded SO beautiful. Thank you Joni so very much and praise to God for the gift and the words He revealed to you.

For the love of Amy – V

P.S. - I am slowly, but surely constructing the new blog and I would anticipate that I should be finished with it by next Monday…stay tuned.

Leading from here - EndocraWHAT?

2007-03-08T23:38:00.000-06:00

OK, it appears that the majority of you would like me to continue to BLOG. What that entails and where I go from here, I have yet to determine. Many of you were concerned with the BLOGGING becoming a burden to me and I guess it's not SO much a burden as coming to terms with myself that there just will be some days that I either do not have the time or perhaps the thoughts to record and that will just have to be the way it is. Secondly, I feel VERY strongly that moving forward would also mean moving to a new BLOG in and of itself. This site will be left up for a period of time with a link to the new BLOG and after awhile, this site will be removed. Many people have suggested that I look into publishing some or all of the entries into a inspirational book of some kind. I would like to pursue that, but really have no contacts other than 'Self-publication'. If any of you have any suggestions, please share them with me. I have ALWAYS thought if it was ever published, and saw any type of success, it would be nice to use the profits to put the kids through college. I know Amy would be very happy with that. With that said, I have no drop date as of yet for when the new site will be up or even what it will be called. I will however, continue much in the same light with transparently sharing our lives, our thoughts, our fears and triumphs and as memories meet application, stories of Amy and our life together, will continue to be included. I will continue to write here (on and off) until I am ready with the other site. SO...continue to check back here for updates and news.

Many of you are aware that about a month before Amy passed away, I was diagnosed with type II diabetes. Since then, they started me on one medication (pill) and when that didn't put a sizable dent in my blood sugar, they put me on a second medication (pill). That helped better, but I still couldn't get it below 145. So, they added insulin injection. This has helped, but with the three together, I do have some 'comfort' issues. ANYWAY...today, I went in to see the Endocrinologist and I found out a couple things:
1) My Cholesteral has dropped from 210 to 118
2) I have lost 13 lbs in the last month (yay!)
3) She is putting me on a new medication (Byetta) taking one away and cutting the dose on the other one in half. Over all, it was a good visit.

For the love of Amy - V

At a cross in the road - A dilemma

2007-03-05T23:07:00.000-06:00

Just a quick one tonight. A question really, for all of you out there from Clinton, Iowa to Monroe, Louisiana and the world over who have come and visited the site and read some...possibly all of the journey. Do I continue with the BLOG? or should I retire it? And if I continue, what should I write about? This is no longer Amy's Momentary Trouble and I definately haven't been as faithful in writting as I once was. So, I turn to you, those who just drop by as well as those who have faithfully checked the site on a daily basis, what is your opinion...your thoughts?

V

A year in the life

2007-02-27T23:26:00.001-06:00

One year ago tomorrow, late in the afternoon, I sat in a small recovery room waiting for Amy to come out of the anesthetic. Two weeks earlier, we had made the decision and switched doctors/hospitals. We were unhappy with the path the other surgeon wanted to take and ultimately lost confidence in him. So, after meeting earlier in the week with the new doctor/surgeon, he wanted Amy to have yet another ERCP (where they put a tube with a camera down her throat to look in her stomach and beyond). She had one previously at the other hospital, but I’m sure the new doctor wanted updated pictures and to have their specialist take a look for himself. So, here I was, sitting quietly in this rather small room with three walls and a curtain. To keep the noise down and let Amy sleep, I kept the T.V. off and alternated from reading the paper to playing an electronic version of Yahtzee. The doctor poked his head in several times to check on Amy, but as she was still sleeping, he left. Eventually Amy started coming around and she drifted in and out for about the next 30 minutes or so. Once she was more fully awake, she asked for some water, but the nurse only gave her ice chips until the doctor could ok anything more. We may have waited for another 30 to 45 minutes until the doctor came back around. He proceeded to tell us about the procedure, and that he did see some obstruction of the bile duct, rather that it looked like the opening was being pulled or stretched to the side. He proceeded to tell us that he was able to extract a cell sample from the tumor and that preliminary results looks to him that the tumor was cancerous. And so on February 28th 2006, began Amy’s 8 month and 16 day journey with Pancreatic Cancer.
Please, if you can remember, take a moment today and think of a time when Amy made you laugh! I guarantee you won’t be able to do it without smiling!
And Amy will be smiling down as well.

For the love of Amy - V

A snow day

2007-02-26T23:11:00.000-06:00

School was cancelled today, the kids were excited! When as was said and done, we've gotten close to 18...maybe 20 inches of snow since this past Friday. Poor Trevor did most of the shoveling (I did take a short turn on Sunday). The older two and I sat around and played Scrabble yesterday afternoon. Vinny was playing a video game and Hope went between watching a TV show and watching us play. We spent a lot of time together this weekend, what with everything cancelled and all. It was nice...just us.
So, today, Brittany and her friends got together and went sledding. When she finished, she came home and then Trevor went out with his friends to snowboard, etc. I really appreciate that they both respect each other enough that they will come home and let the other have their time too.
Wednesday is a significant day. I'm not going to go into it tonight, but I will on Wednesday.

For the love of Amy - V

Snow and rest

2007-02-24T21:24:00.001-06:00

Brittany was supposed to compete in our regional Solo and Ensemble competition today, but because of the snow, it was cancelled. I’m curious as to what will be done about it because the kids with high scores would have gone on to compete at the state level. The other 8th grade boy’s team (not Trevor’s team) traveled 3 hours to a tournament in Minnesota. They got there and the tournament was cancelled. We got about 8 or perhaps 10 inches of snow here and we’re supposed to get another 4 to 6 tonight and tomorrow.

Rest on this Earth is a false rest. Be careful of people who urge you to find happiness here; you wont find it. There are those who think they find it, but it usually never holds their attention for long. Guard against those who promise that joy is only a diet…a marriage…a job…a million dollars away. Try this, imagine a perfect world. Whatever that personally means to you, imagine it. If that means peace, then imagine complete tranquility. Does your perfect world imply joy? Then create your highest happiness in your mind. How about love? If your perfect world has it, ponder a place where love knows no bounds. Now, let your imagination run absolutely wild and try to imagine what heaven is like. Take a moment and get it firmly in your mind…and then smile as the Father reminds all of us in 1 Corinthians 2:9 - No one has ever imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him. When it comes to describing heaven, even letting our imaginations run wild thinking about it, we are all happy failures!

For the love of Amy - V

Broken Toys

2007-02-21T19:07:00.000-06:00

When I was a child, I had a toy called Major Matt Mason. He was what could be called one of the very first action figures and he was an astronaut. He was rubberized and had multiple joints which would ‘click’ and stay in position. He also had many accessories which you could buy that would allow him to move, talk or…well, be an astronaut. Major Matt was one of my favorite toys and I played with him a lot…that is until one day, one of his joints in his arm broke. And when I bent his arm to ‘click’ into place…it didn’t click…instead, it just flopped back into its neutral position. However, I continued to play with him…but he wasn’t the same, he was broken…usable, but changed. Eventually his arm fell off near the joint at the elbow, exposing a little wire. My mother, being the good, safety conscious mother that she was, took Major Matt as it now posed a safety hazard. As children, our favorite toys come and go. They break and are thrown away or are boxed up and placed in the attic where they collect dust and fade from our memories. In this disposable world, things that are well used or partially broken are often tossed aside, they've long since been replaced with the new and shiny fresh and unused.

I’m not a Toy and by no means am I Major Matt Mason, however, much like a child’s toy, I know I am well used and at times feel I may be broken. I really am not saying this from a ‘woe is me’ mentality…it just makes me wonder. Will I too be placed on a shelf to collect dust…or boxed up…never to be used again…never to experience that which I SO need…I wonder. I pray this isn’t the case because I am not ready…I’m not prepared to face that lonely fate. I have always had a great need to be needed… wanted…loved. I know and understand that God has a plan for me and my life; it’s just difficult not knowing which path He will lead me down. Where I go from here MUST be by God’s design…I just don’t trust my heart.

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I heard a new song on the radio today…

Walking her Home – Mark Schultz

Looking back
He sees it all
It was her first date the night he came to call
Her dad said son
Have her home on time
And promise me you’ll never leave her side
He took her to a show in town
And he was ten feet off the ground

He was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled it stole the breath right out of him
Down that old road
With the stars up above
He remembers where he was the night he fell in love
He was walking her home

Ten more years and a waiting room
At half past one And the doctor said come in and meet your son
His knees went weak
When he saw his wife
She was smiling as she said he’s got your eyes
And as she slept he held her tight
His mind went back to that first night

He was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled it stole the breath right out of him
own that old road With the stars up above
He remembers where he was the night he fell in love
He was walking her home

He walked her through the best days of her life
Sixty years together and he never left her side
A nursing home At eighty-five
And the doctor said it could be her last night
And the nurse said
Oh Should we tell him now
Or should he wait until the morning to find out
But when they checked her room that night
He was laying by her side

Oh he was walking her home
And holding her hand
Oh the way she smiled when he said this is not the end
And just for a while they were eighteen
And she was still more beautiful to him than anything
He was walking her home
He was walking her home

For the love of Amy - V

Basketball

2007-02-20T07:35:00.001-06:00

I’ve been helping (if you can call it that) coach Trevor’s 8th grade basketball team. Each Saturday we travel to some remote town and find our way to the local school (middle or High). This year especially, they’ve been outsized on average by about 5 or 6 inches and 25 to 35 lbs. and as a result, the boys have not won very many games (1 and 23?). Now, they have come very close to winning 8 or perhaps 10 of those other games, but through error or circumstance, they weren’t able to ‘seal the deal’. The point is this, in the face of indescribable odds, these boys continue to go out on the court and for the most part they don’t give up. They go out there and give it their best shot and a good deal of the times, we’ll hang in there. These boys have tenacity, they have spirit and they love the game.

Throughout life, situations come and go, trials, temptations, testing’s. Sometimes we try and fail sometimes we succeed. It’s great to win, it’s nice to succeed but it’s not just about winning, it’s in how you play the game…it’s in how you run the race. When we’re out there on the court or on the job, are you giving it your best shot? As us coaches say, ‘are you leaving it all out on the court?’

Heb 12; 1-3: Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

So, are you entangled…stumbling along in the race of life? Maybe you’re still in training and learning just how to run. Or perhaps you’re a seasoned runner trying to keep from injuring yourself. Which ever the case…you’re on the track and you’re in the race. What’s your goal…who/what are your eyes fixed on?

For the love of Amy - V

Funny little Valentine

2007-02-14T00:14:00.000-06:00

A lot of you know already, but for those of you who don’t, there are congratulations to be offered! This past Friday (Feb 9th), Brittany passed her Wisconsin drivers test and she’s now a legal driver on the roads of Wisconsin! I was very proud of her! Now…my insurance agent is happy too as my rates almost exactly doubled - ouch! Oh well, it will be nice to have another driver in the family again!

Three months…1/4 of a year…I can not believe it’s been three months and yet at times it seems like forever. A lot has happened in that seemingly short time frame; Vinny & Hopes birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Vinny & Trevor both in basketball and Brittany cheerleading…list goes on and on. We are marching on, step by step and day by day. Some days gets a little easier but some days we take a few steps back and that’s ok. With the goal of moving forward, but never forgetting firmly in our minds, we have and will continue to rely on God’s comfort and guidance. ‘And yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.’

Today is Valentines Day. Amy and I were never extravagant when it came to celebrating this day, but we did hold it as a special day. I remember our first Valentines Day together as a married couple. We were dirt poor and house sitting for a retired pastor and I baked a cake in heart shaped cake pans. I made the frosting and used food coloring to color the frosting a shade of pink. I also remember that I splurged and bought her a musical card that played ‘You are My Sunshine’. For those of you who have a significant other…take the time to be romantic, you don’t have to spend a fortune to make him/her feel loved, just take some time, be unique & have fun. This simple act will earn you HUGE kudos. Oh…and don’t ever, EVER take your special someone for granted.

For the love of Amy - V

In search of….who I am

2007-02-08T17:40:00.001-06:00

A few days ago, I was handed an article by a friend. This article, clipped from a ‘Parade’ type paper, talked about a mother’s grief over losing her 5 year old daughter to disease. She struggled for quite awhile with trying to figured out just how to go on, how to regain her identity. This mother wrote that everywhere she looked, every special day that past, she saw shades of her daughter. She went on to say that so much of ourselves, our identities are tied up/connected with those we love, that when tragedy does strike, our identities flounder and possibly even die to a certain extent. The writer goes on to say after the death of someone you love, we are forced to figure out who we are now and it’s difficult to reach the point where you realize that moving forward doesn’t mean leaving behind the person you’ve lost. Little by little she came to realize that in order for her to pull herself out of her deep grief, she needed to start placing her identity in other things or activities that wouldn’t immediately remind her of her daughter. This wasn’t to say that she wanted to forget her daughter, on the contrary, she had/has a deep seeded need to never forget her, but in order for her to move beyond the grief, the heartache and the pain, she needed to purposefully establish a new identity, who she was without her daughter. I haven’t been posting very much lately and for the longest time, I really wasn’t sure why. All I knew is that my muse…my inspiration had died and after awhile, I was no longer sure where to go from there, what to write about, what to share. In essence, I lost myself. So, in the vacuum of time I found myself searching for who I am now. Who IS Vince Howard now…today. Some things are plainly obvious, like:

- I’m a ‘sudden’ single parent of four kids who desperately need to know that everything will be alright.
- I am a child of God and He IS my strong tower and He WILL comfort me, provide for me and watch over me.
- The dynamic of where I fit in has changed. I’m not part of a couple anymore and while on the surface nothing has changed in the relationships that Amy and I had together, there does seem to be an underlying level of uncertainty or hesitancy.
- In spite of what I said above, I have friends who love me and will be there in a moments notice if I need them. Some of them find it difficult to approach me and search for the right words to say (and that’s OK, I need more ears than mouths at this point in time). I can actually see the sadness in their eyes when they come up to me, pat me on the shoulder and ask how I’m doing.

In all of this, even in my search for my redefined identity, I know that God has a plan for me. Other things are a bit more difficult, like moving on emotionally and while I know that will/may come with time, I know myself well enough that I do not want to spend the rest of my life alone. I struggle with many aspects of this issue and quite often my heart aches over the mere thought of it. Not to mention other potential avenues of concern too; how do/would the kids feel about it if/when a new person enters my life, what would I do if an issue arose where I would need to choose to side with this new person or my kids. I know and understand that I am getting the cart WAY before the horse, but this is real, this is what I will have to face.

So, I’m searching…and day by day I continue to find pieces of my shattered life and as I rediscover each piece, I am quickly finding out that it isn’t reassembling the same way as before…I am not the same person I was a year ago and in many ways, that’s good (I feel closer to God for one) and in others, it’s sad. However, I KNOW that if it wasn’t for my faith in the one true God (my El-Shaddai) and the results of the blessings He daily rains down upon me, I would have cracked under the pressure and stress and pain months ago.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us and To Him who is able to keep us from falling and to present us before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy, to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord – Amen.

For the love of Amy - V

Preliminary Totals

2007-02-07T23:12:00.000-06:00

I have talked with two of the other organizers of Sunday’s benefit and preliminary totals show that a little over $6000 was raised. I can not express the gratefulness I have for those who invested time and money to help make this event a success. And to each of the businesses who donated well over $15,000 worth of goods and services. Your generosity has not gone un-noticed. And it was those of you (friends, family and concerned citizens) who took time out on a busy Sunday to come out, eat some food and enjoy the auction. Thank you.

In six days, Amy will have been gone three months and I can hardly believe it. I don’t know what’s in store for me and at times that seems very overwhelming, but I know that God is in control and he’s a much better driver than I.
Speaking of driving, please be praying for Brittany as she will be taking her driving test this Friday (for the second time).

For the love of Amy - V

The Benefit

2007-02-05T23:01:00.000-06:00

Well, I don't have any totals yet, but the turn out was good! I have posted a few pictures to show what the venue looked like and to show what can happen when God works through good people! I just wanted to thank Laurie and Leo Grill, Brenda Weinke, Sue Eldred-Kujawa, Deb Paape, Sue Laux and last, but not least, my sister Donna and her husband David. The help and support of all of these people blended together is the true testement of love. I will in short time, get a total from the event. It was a long and tiring day, but everything came off without a hitch.

For the love of Amy - V

Auction Items..FINALLY!

2007-01-30T22:11:00.000-06:00

Well, people and businesses have been so generous that I just simply can not place everything out here. Please review and come back often as I will continue to add to this entry. We have received Remember, for those of you who can not make it to the actual auction, but would like to bid, please send your minimum and maxium bid(s) along with which item(s) to me at: Vincesblogbox@hotmail.com

Note: The cost of shipping/mailing all items will be the responsibility of the person winning the bid

We have over 100 items. Below you find just a sampling of what will be available for bid this Sunday Feb 4th at the Baraboo Art Center on Water street from 11:00 AM to 4:00 PM.

We will be selling Tailgate food: Brats, Hotdogs, Chili Dogs, Chili, Chips, Soda, Water, and ALL types of baked goods.

We will have two large screen T.Vs to watch the pre-game show

There will be activities like: Button making, Face painting, Toss across and many other things for children to do

The silent auction will be available during the entire event, with the Live Auction starting at 3:00 PM

Inn at Wawanissee Point: Two night stay Sunday – Thursday only (value $500)
http://www.innatwawanisseepoint.com/index.html

Wawanissee (pronounced WAH WAH NEE SEE) is the Native American Ho-Chunk word for beauty.

Inn at Wawanissee Point is a beautiful secluded Bed and Breakfast located in Baraboo Wisconsin near Devil's Lake and Wisconsin Dells. A magnificent blend of luxurious accomodations and captivating views among a pristine, 42-acre wooded estate in the nationally renowned Baraboo Range makes the Inn at Wawnissee Point the escape of dreams.

Rates include:
> Evening wine & cheese served
> Full gourmet breakfast daily
> Turn down service each evening

Wilderness Resort Waterpark: One night stay Monday – Thursday only (value $200)
http://www.wildernessresort.com/index

Featuring three indoor and three outdoor waterparks, Wilderness resort is one of the largest waterpark facilities in the Dells area. Depending upon when you go, they plan special events for kids.

Great Wolf Lodge Waterpark and Resort: Two Night stay (value $500)
http://www.greatwolfresorts.com/

Great Wolf Lodge is a first-class, full-service family destination resort designed to capture the atmosphere and adventure of the northwoods. Serving as Wisconsin's Premier Year-Round Family Resort, Great Wolf Lodge provides a comprehensive package of destination lodging amenities.

Ho-Chunk’s House of Wellness: 3 month individual fitness & aquatic membership (value $162)

Offering swimming, weight training, racquetball and a wide variety of other services, Ho-Chunk’s House of Wellness, features a professionally trained staff to assist with all of your fitness needs.

Breakthrough Services, LLC: One free lawn mowing and hedge trimming (value $50)
(there are four certificates to bid upon)

US Cellular: 2006 Wisc. Badgers Mens/Womens National Co-Champions Sports Print (value $250)

Gander Mountain: Large wildlife print (value $200)

Fairway Mortgage: Medium sized wildlife print (value $100)

Two separate items here

Christopher Dahlhoff: Riddell full sized replica Green Bay Packer Helmet (value $186)

Sue Laux: Hand made Wisconsin Badger Fleece Blanket (value $40)

Lisa Hackbarth: Mary Kay gift basket (value $250)

Peggy Schroeder-Anderson #1: Candle gift set in wire basket (value $60)

Peggy Schroeder-Anderson #2: Candle gift set in wire basket (value $60)

Livin’ End Candle Shop: Boxed Candle gift basket (value $50)

CM1 - Creative Memories Ensemble: (Value $50)
7X7 Blush Sentiments Album
Romance Snap Pack
7X7 Page Protectors
Tape Runner
Red Eye Pen

CM2 - Creative Memories Ensemble: (Value $95)
12X12 White Window Album
12X12 White Refill Pages
12X12 Page Protectors
Wedding Bouquet Album Kit
Tape Runner
Red Eye Pen

CM3 - Creative Memories Ensemble: (Value $97)
Album Tote Bag
Destination 12X12 Album
Memoranza Kit

CM4 - Creative Memories Ensemble: (Value $74)
Kaleidoscope Plum 12X12 Album
Classy ShortCuts
12X12 Page Protectors
Calendar Accent Stickers
Tape Runner

CM5 - Creative Memories Ensemble: (Value $58)
12-inch Straight Trimmer
Painbow Paper Pack
Memoranza Album Kit
Round Tip Bright Pen Set
Border Rulers
Chit Chat Stickers

Sergia Bronze Art: (Value $120)
"Mask in Mische of Leaves" by Sergia - signed by the artist

If size meant a thing, a cow could out run a jackrabbit

2007-01-27T19:21:00.000-06:00

It’s been a few days since I’ve entered a posting. Time just sometimes gets away and when the day is done and the kids are all in bed and the house is all quite, sometimes I’m just not up to the task. The benefit is moving along nicely and businesses as far away as Iowa have donated items for the auction. We have started gathering the donations and have started the process of taking pictures of the items to place here on the blog. I hope to have them up in the next couple of days!

Saturday I spent in Elroy with Trevor and the rest of his basketball team at a tournament. These boys were sorely outmatched and lost 4 of the 4 games that they played. If games were won and scored upon heart, our boys would win hands down, but we all know that’s not the case. The issue is, the boys just aren’t very tall or big when compared with the other teams and in a sport where height and size have a distinct advantage, heart just doesn’t win out.

I’m SO glad that God doesn’t work that way. Look at Noah for example. Here is the only man on the face of the earth (during his time) who God deemed as righteous and worthy of sparing. We have this lone man, and his sons, set to the huge task of building this ridiculously large boat and I’m sure that at times, Noah felt overwhelmed and outsized for the task. Noah persevered and through his obedience, saved not only his family, but the entire human race as well. David is another prime example; When he was young, long before he became king, David came face to face with a giant of a man who was called Goliath. Goliath stood about 9’ 6” tall and was a champion and a true warrior and all the rest of the Israelite army were terrified of him! Then along comes David, he really just showed up at the camp to bring his brothers some food and supplies and before you know it, David takes 5 smooth stones and with his sling, and with Goliath and the entire Palestine army laughing, strikes Goliath square in the forehead, knocking him out and David finishes him with his own sword.

Two men, both facing huge obstacles and seemingly impossible odds. They both had two things going for them that ensured their success; Faith and Obedience. Faith to believe it could be done and obedience to act on that faith.

On God’s team physical stature doesn’t matter, weight, strength, sight, appearance and yes even impairment doesn’t matter. God has a purpose and a place for each and everyone of us, we just need to get in the game.

For the love of Amy - V

Can’t teach a new dog old tricks

2007-01-23T07:37:00.000-06:00

Isaiah 40:30-31
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Any of you who are parents, and especially those that are parents of teenagers, I’m sure can identify with that fact that for some odd reason our young people do not feel like we know what we’re talking about. That in our accumulated years, and attendance in the school of hard knocks (and some of us had to repeat a grade!), hasn’t given us any sense of perspective or given us any special knowledge or wisdom. We simply can not understand what they are going through, dealing with or struggling with. The world HAS changed since you and I were kids. When I was 10, I remember blasting out the front door at 8am on a Saturday during the summer and going down a couple of blocks to my friend’s house to play. My mom was still in bed, in fact most everyone else was still in bed including my friend! But I would wait and play in his yard until he got up and all the while mom had no idea where I was. Try that today and parents would be VERY worried! The world is darker and there are people and unsavory elements out there who would like to do harm to our kids. But social issues, peer pressure, figuring out ones identity and other temptations all existed then just as they do now. But even when presented with the truth that we HAVE gone through similar situations and pressures, our kids roll their eyes and they get what I call ‘Charlie Brown’ hearing (ever watch a Peanuts cartoon? ALL of the adults talk like this: Waa Waa, Waa), they just tune you out. But being the loving parents that we all are, we continue to try, we don’t give up. We talk with them, teach them by example and even provide discipline in an effort to help guide them onto the right path.

Isn’t it nice, now that we’re grown and mature, that WE don’t act like that? That we always listen to OUR Father, clean our messes when pointed out and obey Him without rolling our eyes or stomping off?... Uh…yeah…except for the times when He wants me to give of my time…and that area in my life that I keep to myself…or when I shouldn’t be where I’ve been. Listen to what James says in 1:22-26 ‘Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does. If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his faith is worthless.’

The difference between us as parents and our Father is that He never puts conditions on His love. Run away from His home and when you’ve had enough and want to come back? He’ll be waiting for you with a new robe, open arms and a grand celebration! Lose your identity in drugs and alcohol and possibly even spend time in prison? Reach out to Him and He’ll be waiting for you with a new robe, open arms and a grand celebration! Hebrews 13:8 says: ‘Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever.’ Isn’t that comforting? His nature, His love and His forgiveness are unchanging!

As a parent, can you claim that?

For the love of Amy - V

A selfless act...

2007-01-20T23:15:00.000-06:00

Olivia was going to turn 14 and as with most 13 going on 14 year old girls, she wanted to have a birthday party. As with most parties I’m sure they did something fun like went to a movie, or possibly bowling and I’m sure a lot of chatting and laughing went on. Afterwards they most likely went back to her house, had cake and ice cream and her many friends presented her with their gifts. Except it didn’t quite happen that way; yes, she had a party and I’m sure they did something fun and had cake and ice cream afterward, but when it came time for the gifting, she didn’t receive beautifully wrapped packages or sacks with coordinated tissue paper, instead she received something FAR more rich and meaningful. You see, she had made up her mind what she wanted for her birthday far in advance of the plans and party invitations. When her friends asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she said ‘I want money!’ Now, you and I would consider that request pretty common, especially knowing how most 14 year old girls like to shop for their own clothes! What was uncommon, extraordinary even, was that she didn’t want the money for herself. She didn’t spend so much as a dime of it on herself. She told her friends that she didn’t want presents this year, but instead she would like money…’money to donate to Amy Howard’s family in Wisconsin.’ Olivia and her family live in Waterloo Iowa and I do not know her or her family. The only real connection is that Amy graduated from high school with Olivia’s uncle.

I’m not really sure what motivated Olivia to give of herself like she did, maybe she had overheard her parent’s or uncle talking about Amy or perhaps she remembered the Pizza Hut fund raiser, but that doesn’t matter and it’s definitely not the point. What is important is this: in a world that teaches us to grab what we can, when we can and the more the better, Olivia has learned the meaning of helping her fellow man and she shines like a gleaming example of what it means to put your needs…your wants aside and do something out of the shear goodness of your heart. All of this from a 14 year old. Pretty amazing. Oh yeah, she collected $100 from friends and family and I will be putting it in the kid’s educational trust.

I want to take a moment to remind everyone of the upcoming benefit on Sunday, Feb 4th.

Here are the details:
What: Tailgate and Auction benefit
Why: To raise money to help cover the medical expenses we incurred during Amy’s battle with Pancreatic Cancer. (we are shooting to raise $50,000 to $75,000)
When: Sunday, February 4th from 12 noon until 4:00pm
Where: Baraboo Arts Banquet Hall (323 Water Street)
Who: YOU! Everyone’s invited! PLEASE help out by spreading the word! When we did the Pizza Hut fund raiser, we truly relied on you, our friends and family, to get the word out and you rose to the occasion and we ROCKED Pizza Hut! Could you PLEASE help out again by spreading the word and attending? I guarantee everyone, young and old alike will have a good time!

* We will be selling great ‘tailgating’ food like: brats, hotdogs, pizza, chips, water, soda and baked goods.
* We hope to have a couple big screen T.V’s on hand so no one has to miss the pre-game show!
* For the kids, we are arranging to have face painting, a button making machine, bingo and some carnival games for them to have fun!
* And last, but certainly NOT least, we will be having a combined live and silent auction! For the top donation items, we will have a live auctioneer stirring up the excitement and getting everyone involved for the cause. The rest of the items will be displayed on tables with the bid forms in front.

We have specifically set an earlier time so everyone can get home in plenty of time to watch the Super Bowl.

PLEASE mark your calendars!
PLEASE spread the word!
But most importantly…PLEASE plan to attend!

For the love of Amy - V

Packaging Tape

2007-01-19T00:48:00.000-06:00

Do you ever use packaging tape? Because I work with computers, cell phones and pagers, I work with packaging tape almost on a daily basis. Today I had this huge fight with this stupid roll of tape! I am exceedingly careful NOT to let the leading edge get back down on the roll because it's nearly impossible to figure out where the edge is to get it back off! So, today I go to use it and the roll slips out of my hand and rolls across my desk, sealing the edge back down onto the roll! If that wasn't bad enough, it was strategically placed so the edge matched up with a slight bump in the roll so I couldn’t 'feel' for the edge on a smooth surface and I spent the next three (seemed like 5) minutes trying to catch the edge under a finger nail! When I finally do catch an edge and start peeling it back, it splits down the middle and I have to catch the edge on the other half and peel it back to its leading edge and then back down to where they meet! Now, even though I have the two halves back together, it STILL continues to split in half as I peel it off the roll! So here I am trying my hardest to make sure both halves are exactly matched at the point of the split and as I slowly pull more of the tape off from the roll, the split just as slowly continues along its merry way! Now I have this large wad of very sticky tape in one hand and it's beginning to stick to itself, making the task at hand exponentially more difficult. At this point a small voice in the back of my head says 'Hey…just take one of the two split pieces and tear it to the side.' WHAT? And admit defeat? You have got to be kidding! I am NOT about to let some stupid roll of tape get the better of me! You are goin' down roll! Several minutes later with about 5 feet of tape wadded up in my hand, I finally give in and go to tear it to the side. Even then…EVEN THEN the roll is non-compliant and wants to tear the opposite direction of where I'm trying to pull it! And that voice speaks to me again. 'If you would have just..' I don't want to hear it. '..but you would have saved..' Just put a cork in it would ya?
Later on in the day this incident got me thinking; packaging tape is very similar to life. Life can be going along pretty smoothly for awhile and then no matter how careful you are, something lays you flat and the bumps in life can make it very difficult to get back up. And just like tape, life tends to get sticky at times: temptation, peer pressure and selfishness are just a few examples. Life has a funny way (maybe not SO funny) of veering off or splitting at the most inopportune times; anyone who has experienced a sudden, unexpected change or loss can identify with this (I know that I can).

Life is chaotic…life is messy…it is disappointing, painful and it can be very frightening at times. But life can also be beautiful…rich and fulfilling. God MADE life and He made it the way it is for a reason. But life’s sticky and messy! Yes it can be at times, but give it over to God and with the blood of the Lamb, He will clean the mess and leave you spotless. But it’s disappointing and painful! And you don’t think Jesus if acquainted with pain and grief? Isaiah 53:3-4 He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted.

For the love of Amy - V

A hard day

2007-01-16T22:11:00.000-06:00

Water runs in rivulets down the wall, leaving small traces of itself as it travels downward. And as his eyes follow the tiny droplet, watching its stutter step; run…stop…run, run, run…stop, he hears the constant dripping of water. Water drips from everything, the counter, the table, the side of the refrigerator and even the couch in the other room. A breeze, carrying the stench of musty walls and stagnant water, blows through the wreckage that was once the front window. The hurricane was massive and in its wake, his dreams…his plans…his love, were washed away. The emergency crews have come and assisted in the clean up in the aftermath of the brutal storm that ravaged his home…his life. Like efficient bees, the crews have come in, done what they’ve been trained to do, have promised to do or what was safe to do and have left just as quickly as they came. Leaving him alone.
What has happened to his life has left him reeling and while he knows that help is there, that it’s just a call away, it might as well be 1000 miles or even 3000, as his heart and mind are isolated by his grief. The prospect of picking himself up and starting the process of cleaning up…reordering his life, seems overwhelming. All he wants is his life back.

Psalm 34:18 - The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Isaiah 43:2 - When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

Psalm 55:22 - “Cast your burden upon the Lord , and He shall sustain you.”

For the love of Amy - V

Happy Birthday

2007-01-14T13:50:00.000-06:00

Normally I do not write on Sunday’s, but today is a special occasion. 40 years ago today (January 14, 1967) at 11:59 am, Amy Suzette Van Besien was born. In talking about Amy’s upcoming birthday with her mom the other night, Sandy said ‘She was a beautiful baby!’ I obviously didn’t know her as a baby, but I did know her as an adult and I agree with Sandy, she was beautiful! Her eyes and smile ALWAYS did me in and continue to do so today in the pictures of her that I have gone through.
Today has been hard and I’ve been thinking about Amy’s birthday for the better part of the week; what we would do and how best to honor her. I went and bought some pink roses (Amy’s favorite) then the kids and I went to her gravesite and each of us laid a rose on her grave. After laying down the rose, each of us (who could) said a few words. I have some others ideas/plans for tonight that will help the kids remember and honor her.

Gone, but never forgotten
Missed, but ever near our hearts

Happy Birthday my love…

When God Made You -
It’s always been a mystery to me,
How two hearts can come together,
And love can last forever.
But now that I have found you I believe,
That a miracle has come when God sends the perfect one.
So gone are all my questions about why,
And I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life

Oh I wonder what God was thinking, when he created you.
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because he made all my dreams come true.
When God made you, He must have been thinking about me.

I promise that wherever you may go, wherever life may lead you,
With all my heart I'll be there too.
And from this moment on I want you to know,
I'll let nothing come between us, and I will love the ones you love.
So gone are all my questions about why

Oh I wonder what God was thinking when he created you,
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because He made all my dreams come true.
When God made you He must've been thinking about me.

He made the sun He made the moon,
To harmonize a perfect tune,
One can't do without the other they just have to be together.
And that is how I know its true,
Your for me and I’m for you and my world
Just cant be right without you in my life

Oh I wonder what God was thinking, when he created you.
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because he made all my dreams come true.
When God made you, He must have been thinking about me.

For the love of Amy - V

Benefit Details

2007-01-11T21:54:00.000-06:00

Well, I had a meeting the other evening with some of the other people who are leading the charge on the up coming benefit. We have solidified the plans and have sent out the pre-contact letters to the local businesses we will be approaching for donations.

Here are the details:
What: Tailgate and Auction benefit
Why: To raise money to help cover the medical expenses we incurred during Amy’s battle with Pancreatic Cancer.
When: Sunday, February 4th from 12 noon until 4:00pm
Where: Baraboo Arts Banquet Hall (323 Water Street)
Who: YOU! Everyone’s invited! PLEASE help out by spreading the word! When we did the Pizza Hut fund raiser, we truly relied on you, our friends and family, to get the word out and you rose to the occasion and we ROCKED Pizza Hut! Could you PLEASE help out again by spreading the word and attending? I guarantee everyone, young and old alike will have a good time!

* We will be selling great ‘tailgating’ food like: brats, hotdogs, pizza, chips, water, soda and baked goods.
* We hope to have a couple big screen T.V’s on hand so no one has to miss the pre-game show!
* For the kids, we are arranging to have face painting, a button making machine, bingo and some carnival games for them to have fun!
* And last, but certainly NOT least, we will be having a combined live and silent auction! For the top donation items, we will have a live auctioneer stirring up the excitement and getting everyone involved for the cause. The rest of the items will be displayed on tables with the bid forms in front.
* To give you JUST a peek into the types of items we are hoping to have for the auction, here are just a few of the businesses that we’ve approached: The Green Bay Packers, The UW Badgers, many of the major resorts, restaurants and entertainment attractions our area has to offer! (more specific info on what will be up for bid will be related once a final list is determined.)

We have specifically set an earlier time so everyone can get home in plenty of time to watch the Super Bowl.

PLEASE mark your calendars!
PLEASE spread the word!
But most importantly…PLEASE plan to attend!

For the love of Amy - V

Walking and living

2007-01-10T23:26:00.000-06:00

Galatians 5:16 - “I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh”

In my opinion and observation, there is a stark difference between Living in the Spirit and Walking in the Spirit. Now don’t get me wrong, walking vs. living in the Spirit isn’t a gauge to measure salvation, but rather a measure of obedience and maturity.
Walking in the Spirit puts our relationship with God, the gifts he has given us and the indwelling nature of the Holy Spirit into action. Think of it this way; there’s a Christian brother or sister that you always see in the same pew each Sunday…always there…never misses Sunday morning service. But when it comes to ministries of the church: outreach, teaching, leading a study group or just helping around the building, they are never there…or if asked, they disappear like a puff of smoke. Now Jesus was quite clear in Mathew 28: 18-20 that we are to be out spreading His word and leading people to the cross. Jesus was all about getting involved and putting our belief, our faith if you will, into action. What I’d like to know is, how can you do that from the pew? Walking in the Spirit nurtures our relationship with God through His continual revealing of Himself to us and through our reliance on Him for all things. I’m here to tell you that when the going gets tough and you are struggling to see even the slightest flicker of light at the end of the dark tunnel of life, you start to crave that reliance in the Lord because sometimes that all you have left…all that you can count on. Walking in the Spirit helps us develop and rely on the unique gifts and talents God provides each of us. Again, you might be penniless, you might be emotionally bankrupt, but no one except God Himself can repossess the gifts He has given you. Walking in the Spirit also provides two other vital benefits: In Galatians 5, Paul writes that the solution for defeating the flesh is to walk in the Spirit. And the evidence of the effectiveness of that walk are the fruits of the Spirit “love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”

For the love of Amy - V

A soggy, fun filled weekend

2007-01-08T23:52:00.000-06:00

This weekend the kids and I stayed up to the Wilderness Resort. From Friday until 3:00pm on Sunday afternoon, we swam, slid, splashed, hot-tubbed and got bowled over by the wave pool! Then at night after supper, we brought some movies and watched them on the kid's portable DVD player. I learned a couple of things this weekend, 1) Keep one of the older kids with you. Because when Hope wants to go down one of the larger slides, where should I be? Do I go to the top with her to make sure she's gets there OK (then how do I keep track of her when she slides down and I'm still at the top?} or do I wait for her at the bottom and make sure she makes it to the top alright??? 2) No matter how convenient it is, NEVER eat at the Resort (two orders of chicken strips, two hamburgers, two orders of fries, an order of onion rings, a chicken salad sandwich and 4 sodas cost $50.00). We really did have a great family time.

Tomorrow, I want to talk about the difference between living in the Holy Spirit and walking in the Holy Spirit. Think about it...what's the difference?

For the love of Amy - V

Faith...hey get off the couch!

2007-01-04T11:08:00.000-06:00

A few months back, in one of my postings, I painted the mental picture of my family enduring a flooding, raging storm and as my children and Amy clung to me in an effort to keep from being swept away by the storm’s violence, I firmly clung to the foot of the cross of Christ. What do you think the storm represented? If you thought it was Amy’s cancer, you’d be wrong. The storm represents fear, doubt, desperation and feelings of powerlessness. Things that are the antithesis for faith. And as the storm…these feelings…buffeted us, it was our clinging, our faith if you will, that kept us from being swept away. But what about Amy, you may ask…she DEFINITELY was NOT swept away. She didn’t feel like it was her time and she definitely didn’t want to leave the kids and me, but she NEVER succumbed to fear and doubt and her faith, which is of greater worth than gold, never wavered.

Heb. 11:1 - Now, faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
Webster’s on-line dictionary says faith is: “Allegiance to duty or a person, fidelity to one's promises, sincerity of intentions, belief, trust in and loyalty to God, firm belief in something for which there is no proof, complete trust, something that is believed especially with strong conviction.” These are all great descriptors of faith, however, when you get down to the dirt and grit of real life where sweat, pain, blood and emotional strain rule, sometimes faith and moreover living in faith can best be defined as "Just plain old hard!"
Have you ever been in a situation where your faith is really tested, I mean REALLY tested? Or have you wondered where God is in the mist of your personal ‘storm’ even though you've cried out to Him for deliverance and have seen none? Have you found yourself with no where to turn, no real answers, no relief, no peace and no light at the end of the tunnel? Have your heart and mind been filled with anguish, doubts, fears and desperation and faith seems more like a distant concept then present reality? I have…you KNOW I have and I don’t doubt that many of you have as well.
Why does God allow us to go through these parched, desert times of the testing of our faith? James 1:2-4 tells us plainly, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James knew what it meant to live by faith and he knew what it meant to have his faith purified. That's right, purified.
It’s easy to have faith in God when we are sitting in our easy-chairs, in our air-conditioned homes, with our remote controls in one hand, and a bag of chips in the other. That kind of faith is easy. However, it leads nowhere - except to the easy-chair. But, take it all away and you will find out what kind of faith you really have. Take away your comforts and your security and then what kind of faith will you have in God? You will quickly find out what you are really made of. Will you grumble about your circumstances and whine at God or perhaps even be so bold as shake your fist at Him or will you turn to Him in the midst of your trial, sweating…scraped…dirty and bleeding and by faith, praise His name and continue to trust Him even beyond your ability to understand?
2 Corinthians 4:8-9 says – ‘We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.’ Real trials provide for us a rare opportunity to actually praise the Lord of Heaven when life is difficult. It is THAT kind of praise and faith that is pleasing to God (Heb. 11:6 - And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him). And, it is that kind of faith that builds your character (James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything).
Now, faith is not a substance that you put in a jar or detect with a meter. Faith isn't a cream you apply to protect you from something. Faith is belief, trust, etc. The key to understanding faith lies not in faith itself but in the OBJECT of faith: God! Faith is only as good as who you put it in. Faith in a false god is useless and it WILL NOT save you. But faith in the ONE TRUE God will save you. You see? Faith is only as good as who you put it in. Faith in the true God results in salvation (Rom. 5:1; Eph. 2:8). Faith in ANYTHING else gets you, well…you know.
Finally, Romans 12:4 says that God gives a measure of faith to everyone. Okay, so what do you do with this measure of faith? During the times when you are ‘hard pressed and struck down’ do you withdraw it from your spiritual walk, whine and complain, only to be faithful again when things get more comfortable? Or, do you continue on in faith (because it is in the Creator of the Universe), in spite of your circumstance, and do exactly what the Bible says: "The just shall live by faith," (Hab. 2:4)? To live by faith means that you continue on trusting God because your faith is in HIM and not in your comforts, your health, your needs, your emotions, or your intellect. To live by faith means that you trust the Lord in all circumstances. In this, God is glorified and you will experience spiritual growth.

Live By Faith - Chris Rice
I can't feel You movin' inside
I don't hear Your voice whisperin' in the night
And I've never seen You with these eyes
Am I a fool, am I just a fool?
They ask how I follow what I can't see
Why I trust in a love that my arms won't reach
I don't need You, don't need You, to prove it to me
I'll be a fool, yes I'll be a fool
'Cause blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe
And blessed are the hands that keep givin' but never receive
Blessed is the heart that gets broken but keeps holdin' on
Holdin' on for another day
'Cause that's what it means to live by faith
So I cry for Your help while the world looks on
And they laugh at my hope when all hope is gone
But I'll just keep prayin' when answers won't come
Am I the fool, am I just a fool
For standing alone while they mock Your name
"Well if your God is so good, tell us why all the pain?"
I'm not sure, not so sure that God is to blame
So don't be a fool, please don't be a fool
'Cause blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe
And blessed are the hands that keep givin' but never receive
Blessed is the heart that gets broken but keeps holdin' on
Holdin' on for another day
'Cause that's what it means to live by faith
In a world where our questions are haunted
'Cause life's not as fair as we all wanted
Where the innocent die, we ask why
And still we await the reply...
Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe
And blessed are the hands that keep givin' but never receive
Blessed is the heart that gets broken but keeps holdin' on
Holdin' on for another day
'Cause that's what it means...it means holdin' on for another day
'Cause that's what it means to live by faith
Yes that's what it means to live by faith
That's what it means to live by faith...

For the love of Amy - V

Making the auction available to everyone

2007-01-04T00:36:00.000-06:00

A month ago or so, when I first mentioned having this tailgate party & silent auction, I mentioned that I was working on a way for those who live too far away to attend, but wanted to participate in the auction to be able to do just that. This is what will happen. Once we obtain all of the auction items, I will enter a description of each item (and picture if appropriate), their approximate value and the minimum acceptable bid, right here in the Blog. Everyone can peruse the items and when you decide on the items you would like to bid on, Email me at Vincesblogbox@hotmail.com to let me know which items, your starting bid and the maximum amount that you are willing to bid on each. I will personally carry your bids to the auction and as each item is bid on, I will conservatively increase your bid until you either win the item, or someone else out bids you. Please be aware that in addition to the cost of your bid, shipping costs will be your responsibility and will be added to the final cost of the item.

Please be praying for Amy's mother. I received word today that she's been admitted to a hospital back in Waterloo, Iowa. She went in with symptoms of not thinking clearly and weakness. Once in the hospital, they discovered that her CO2 levels were 80%. So, they've admitted her and are trying to help get this back in control.

The kids and I love you Sandy and you're in our prayers!

For the love of Amy - V

February 4th - Mark Your Calendars!

2007-01-03T00:50:00.000-06:00

I haven’t written in a couple of days. Partially because I’ve been busy with family and doing things with the kids, but also because I just didn’t have anything to say. My family came up here and we celebrated our Christmas on the 31st. I think everyone had a good time, but I was all wrapped up in prepping and cooking and then before you know it…it was over. We had a nice breakfast with my sister Donna, her husband Dave and their daughter Rose on New Years morning and then after that, they too headed home to Iowa. That afternoon, the kids and I went to the movies.
I’m starting to wonder where I fit in, all of the friends we did anything with are all married (only natural since so was I two months ago). Don’t take me wrong, I’m not sitting here lamenting the fact, but I really am struggling with the ‘Ok, now what?’ questions I feel.

Well, before you know it, February 4th will be upon us. Other than being Super Bowl Sunday, do you know what else will be going on that day? The afternoon (12:00pm to 4:00pm) has been set aside by the ‘Friends and Family of Amy Howard’ to raise funds for Amy’s significant medical bills. A ‘tailgate’ lunch and silent auction will be held for the general public at the Baraboo Arts Center. As an example of what will be available for bid, there will be sports prints, sports memorabilia (this might be Brett’s last year!) and Resort stays just to mention a few of the items. The cost of the lunch is yet to be determined. Amy absolutely loved her sports and I thought it was only fitting to have a tailgate in her honor! Please mark your calendars and make sure you drop by for the food and stay for the auction! We’ve made sure that we will finish before the game is on so everyone can make it home to watch!

Dear Heavenly Father,
You are the One who grants peace to restless souls and Father, I have tried to find rest for my troubled soul; but I have discovered that all is futile on my own. You have promised to grant rest to troubled and sorrowful souls and you are the Only One who can calm the storm that tosses the boat of my life. Father, help me to entrust my tomorrow into Your hands and my yesterday into your grace. While I know that there is no situation that is beyond Your power to solve and set right, I also know you are sovereign and will do what is best in and for my life.

Thank You Lord for hearing my prayer and I ask that You pour Your peace into my heart, You have promised that You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You. I thank You for allowing my heart to find rest in You. In Jesus' name, Amen.

For the love of Amy - V

Wailing and Sackcloth

2006-12-29T07:13:00.000-06:00

Psalm 30:11 - You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.

I can’t say that I’m there, turning my wailing into dancing, but I know that God is working in me to accomplish this. And I’ve been through this long enough to know that in order for this to happen, you HAVE to take it to the cross and lay it at the feet of Christ. Unless you have a heart of stone, I do not believe it is humanly possible to recover from a hurt this deep without the comfort and healing that can only come from Jesus and even if you do have a heart of stone, you really haven’t recovered. You’ve only succeeded in building a wall of bitterness that simply masks or hides the hurt. Real healing requires prayer and searching out God’s response in His holy Word. In Isaiah 41:10 it says ‘So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’ We’re not expected to do this on our own!

Oh, what tongue can tell the happiness of that hour, when the soul, oppressed by sin, is enabled freely to pour forth its sorrows before God and to take hold of His covenanted mercy in our Lord, Jesus Christ! Those that would bow in prayer, must seek the Lord, when, by His providence, He calls them to seek Him, and, by His Spirit, stirs them up to seek Him! In a time of finding, when the heart is softened with grief, and burdened with guilt; when all human refuge fails; when no rest, no peace, no satisfaction can be found to the troubled mind, then it is, and only then, that God applies the healing balm by his Spirit.

Letting go of the hurt does not involve letting go of Amy…that could never happen…I would never allow it to happen. Letting go of the hurt allows God to start the healing and I trust that when I have finished walking that path of sorrows and have avoided the pitfalls of bitterness, He will clothe me in joy and turn my mournful wailing into dancing. Oh, that the day may quickly come!

P.S. – This article came out in our Iowa hometown newspaper yesterday. A very nice article about Amy

For the love of Amy - V

More preparations

2006-12-28T23:21:00.000-06:00

Slowly, but surely I am having the kids start putting away their new clothes and toys from Christmas. I remember as a kid, stacking my games and boxes in a corner of the dinning room for a few days after Christmas for quick and easy access and my mom would let that go on for awhile and then she’d have me pick them up and put them away. We have one more Christmas to attend. It’s this weekend and I will be hosting. Amy piped up last year and asked my family if we could host the festivities this year. So, I’ll have about 16 of my family here (including my family). I plan on serving Butter Herbed Cornish Game Hen with Wild Rice dressing and Port Orange sauce. I am looking forward to having my family up here and am praying that everything comes off without a hitch.

For the love of Amy - V

Our Christmas

2006-12-26T12:29:00.000-06:00

I came awake to the sounds of footsteps upstairs and as I cleared the dust of dreams from my head and rubbed my eyes, I heard the excited voices of my children, ‘It’s Christmas! c’mon! c’mon!’ I heard them start to descend the stairs and I swung my legs out of bed…it was time…they were MORE than ready. As I was pulling on a pair of socks, I heard Vinny say ‘Whoa! Did you see all of that?!’ Hope came into my room and asked if I was coming and as I was slipping on a pair of shoes, I told her yes.
For the next two hours (yes, I said two hours), the kids un-wrapped their gifts. I think Trevor was the most excited because there were wrapped presents under the tree. In years past we had really never wrapped the gifts to our kids (Amy never really enjoyed wrapping very much, while I am a bit OCD about wrapping – pulled tight and edges creased), but instead laid them out in their own areas. I remember one of the first years we lived in Baraboo, we were going back to Iowa to celebrate with family and decided to have our own Christmas when we got back. Amy and I had set it up that we would get all of the kids out into the van and then told them that we needed to make sure we had everything for the trip. Once back in the house, Amy and I tore around and quickly laid all of the gifts out…it worked! When we got back from Iowa and the kids went in the house, they saw that ‘Santa’ had came and they were absolutely flabbergasted!...I digress…so, Trevor was very excited because about 90% of the presents were wrapped. Towards the end there were some family gifts that friends had given and one in particular was a very nice 3-panel Mahogany picture frame with the word ‘Family’ cut out of pewter at the top of the frame. The panels are vertical and in the center frame I saw some words, Trevor had the frame in his hands and so I asked him to read what was there. He got through the first two lines and his lip began to quiver. He tried to continue, but was unable to and he just put his head in his hands and cried. Brittany too tried to read what was there and while she made it through, she was difficult to understand through the sobs and crying. This is what was there:

Along the Golden Streets, my Mother walks tonight,
With wonder in her heart, faith blossomed into sight.
She walks and stops and stares, and walks and stops again.
Vistas of loveliness, beyond the dreams of men.
She who was feeble, weak, and shackled to her bed,
Now climbs the hills with light and easy tread –
She has escaped at last, life’s cruel clutch of pain;
Her lips shall never taste its bitter cup again.
Oh! Never call her dead, this buoyant one, and free,
Whose daily portion is delight and ecstasy!
She bows in speechless joy, before the feet of Him,
Whom, seeing not, she loved, while yet her sight was dim.
Along the Golden Streets, no stranger walks today,
But one who, long homesick, is Home at last to stay!

And while this and several other moments, brought back the stark reality that Amy is no longer with us here on Earth, this poem…these words, gives all of us a window into the glory that Amy is experiencing and knowing this gives me and the kids great peace!

For the love of Amy - V

Gloria!

2006-12-24T00:17:00.000-06:00

ISAIAH 9:6 - “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace!”

I’ve finished laying all of the presents out, and as you can see, it’s going to be a grand celebration. The kids have no idea what has been done for them and I am quite sure that they will be excited and in awe at the same time. I’ve gone ahead and signed some of the gifts to each of the kids in memory of Amy (Mom or Mommy), but now I wonder about the wisdom of that as I’m unsure what their reactions will be.
It was extraordinarily difficult for me in church today; as we sung several Christmas carols, I kept thinking how Amy loved this or that carol. I got so choked-up when they started playing ‘Away in a Manger’ that I couldn’t even sing.
As we prepare to celebrate the birth of Jesus and all that each of our traditions bring to this day, I got to thinking about Amy and this being her first Christmas in heaven. I can’t help but think how our trimmed trees, candles, bows, ribbons, candies, gifts and a myriad of other decorations all pale in comparison to the amazingly grand celebration that Amy will be a part of tomorrow. I don’t think it’s humanly possible to even adequately imagine the celebration that will occur. Songs sung in perfect pitch, harmony and tempo, decorations and sights which are seen with such clarity as to make HDTV laughable and a feast set with every imaginable food, prepared to perfection (literally) with a taste so delectable that you can separate the individual flavors and aromas and at the center of it all…the Son of God, the Prince of Peace…Jesus. And with Him tomorrow, will be Amy! Joining in singing with the choir, she’ll be singing praises with her perfect voice. Walking with Jesus, she’ll be taking in the mind boggling sights of heaven without the need of glasses or contacts! And sitting down at the table of our Lord Jesus Christ to break bread, she will taste of the bounty of our Lord. Can you imagine? My puny, imperfect brain can only imagine only up to a certain point as human comprehension is finite and I am quite sure that God and therefore heaven goes a long way past that which I can dream up! - Merry Christmas everyone!

Dear heavenly Father, please tell Amy that I love her and miss her terribly. Let her know that our kids are doing remarkably well, but they too miss her. Lord, this Christmas I would pray for a large measure of peace and continued strength and thank you for being so incredibly faithful in supplying the strength and peace that has gotten me through thus far. Your love and compassion, they sustain me…your promises and blessings, they overwhelm me…your protection and gift, they humble me. – Amen.

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
with tiny lights like heaven stars
reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear
For I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear
O, the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here!

For I have no words to tell you
of the joy their voices bring
for it goes beyond description
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
but, through our memories held so dear..
We're never far apart.

I can not tell you of the splendor
or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas
with Our Savior.......face-to-face?

I'll ask him to light your spirits
As I tell him of your Love.
Then I'll pray for 'One another'
As you lift your eyes above.

So please let your hearts be joyful
and let your spirits sing
for I'm spending Christmas in heaven
and I'm walking beside the King. - Unknown

For the love of Amy - V

Christ's Eve

2006-12-23T23:27:00.000-06:00

About that time Caesar Augustus ordered a census to be taken throughout the Empire. This was the first census when Quirinius was the governor of Syria. Everyone had to travel to his hometown to be accounted for. So Joseph went from the Galilean town of Nazareth up to Bethlehem in Judah, David's hometown, for the census. As a decendant of David he had to go there. He went with Mary, his fiancee, who was pregnant.
While they were there, the time came for her to give birth. She gave birth to a son, her firstborn. She wrapped Him in a blanket and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the hostel.
There were shepherds camping in the neighborhood. They had set night watches over their sheep. Suddenly, God's angel stood among them and God's glory blazed around them. They were terrified. The angel said, "Don't be afraid. I'm here to announce a great and joyful event that is meant for everybody worldwide: A Savior has just been born in David's town, a Savior who is Messiah and Master. This is what you're to look for: a baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger."
At once the angel was joined by a huge angelic choir singing God's praises: "Glory to God in the heavenly heights; Peace to all men and women on earth who please Him."
As the angel choir withdrew into heaven, the shepherds talked it over. "Let's get over to Bethlehem as fast as we can and see for ourselves what God has revealed to us." They left, running, and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in the manger. Seeing was believing. They told everyone they met what the angels had said about this child. All who heard the shepherds were impressed.
Mary kept all these things to herself, holding them dear, deep within herself. The shepherds returned and let loose, glorifying and praising God for everything they had heard and seen. It turned out exactly the way they'd been told! ~ Luke 2:1-20

A man went to the local locker the other day…it was the middle of the afternoon and he thought the place would be slower…he was wrong! He goes in and takes a number…14…they’re on 97. He peruses the cases and mentally checks off the items that he needs, recognizing that it’s going to be a long wait, he settles into a spot along the back wall. About 5 minutes later, the owner of the locker comes out of the back room and spots the man standing in the back. They know each other (not close friends, but more than acquaintances), so they wave to each other and the owner returns to the back room. Not two minutes later the owner comes back out, comes around the counter, approaches the man and asks him how he’s been. The man had gone through a recent heartbreak and with the emotion still fresh in his mind, his eyes fall to the ground and answers that he’s good. Next, the owner says, ‘So, you got a number? I’m free and I’d be happy to help you.’ The man, feeling about 20 pairs of eyes on him, hesitates, but the owner snags the number out of the mans hand and says ‘Come on!’ The man orders a couple steaks, ring bologna, some chicken, a couple pounds of hamburger and some summer sausage. The man waits as the owner carefully wraps and bags his order. When the owner finishes he motions for the man to meet him at the register, when he gets there, the owner comes around and just hands the man the bag…the man starts to say ‘I can’t…’ and the owner interrupts, saying ‘You’ve experienced enough this year, Merry Christmas.’

This man is me. The love and support the kids and I have received during this Christmas season, goes beyond even my words to explain. THANK YOU! Thank you to you teachers, who worked with, laughed with and yes even cried with Amy, your generosity goes WAY beyond anything I have ever known. Thank you to the nurses who took care of Amy during the MANY trips and stays. I sit here and think of the literal 100's maybe 1000's of cancer patients you see each year and you chose us to bless. I, as her husband, have always thought of Amy as special, but to see the results of the lives that she touched revealed is a huge blessing to me. Your generosity was a total surprise. Thank you to those who worked with Amy at Land’s End, even though she worked only during the Christmas Season each year, you still saw fit to bless us with your generosity. Thank you to Foremost Farms, my employer and co-workers all have been and continue to be supportive. Your generosity and personal sacrifice is so much more than I ever expected or could have hoped it would be. And to all of you who have given of yourselves, whether it’s cash, food, cleaning, taking or running my kids or simply praying for us, thank you.

Merry Christmas everyone – Celebrate Jesus!

For the love of Amy - V

Why did He come?

2006-12-21T23:02:00.000-06:00

Why did He come? Why did Jesus Christ, the Son of God, leave His kingly throne in Heaven and come to Earth? Being of God and indeed God Himself, Jesus knew very well what was in store for Him when He came down from glory to the pain and disappointment that this world has to offer. He knew that Herod would try and have Him hunted down after He was born…knew his own earthly family would run Him out of town…knew that one of His twelve would betray Him…knew that the very people who laid down their palm fronds and cloaks, would just a week later scream for His crucifixion. Could He have called a legion of Angels to come to His aide when the whip was literally ripping His flesh from His back? Yes, He could have. Could He have, with but a simple command, opened everyone’s eyes to the fact that He was God come to Earth? Do not doubt it for a second.
Why then? Why with the foreknowledge that He had, would He allow Himself to be treated so cruelly? Six small words: ‘For God so loved the world…’ There is not one thing that you or I can do or have done to deserve that perfect love. Isaiah 64:6 says: ‘All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.’ And yet He came so that you might live and the sacrifice He provided is a gift. Ephesians 2:8-9 says this: ‘For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.’ This was Amy favorite verse; she had copied it carefully on a piece of printer paper and posted it on our refrigerator. Such a simple gesture, the giving of a gift, but in the giving there is always sacrifice. The other thing about gifts is that they aren’t earned. As Ephesians says above, it’s not by works…it’s not that we deserve it (because we don’t!)…It’s a gift freely given, but as with anything that’s offered, we do have to accept it.

As Christmas approaches, please seriously contemplate the gift that was given some 2000 years ago and the sacrifice He provided 33 years later…wont you accept His gift?

For the love of Amy - V

Chapters in the book

2006-12-19T21:43:00.000-06:00

As I look back over my life I find that it is very much like a book; sometimes it’s a history book, sometimes a comedy, and at other times tragedy and drama. All of it moving chronologically through my life as a child…a teenager…a father. Some chapters are a good read, while others most resemble a dime store novel…lots of pages but not very exciting or interesting. But when I stop skimming the book and instead focus on specific instances or chapters, my feelings turn mixed. Some of those chapters disappoint me and I find myself longing to revisit those times and re-write my thoughts or actions and thereby changing the outcomes. But because it's the past, what was done is done and is out of my reach. However, while I can't re-write my history, I can learn from these missteps and I realize that’s OK. My mother, grandmother and Amy, are in the volumes that rest on the shelves of my memory. Daily, I lift each out tenderly and with affection page through their chapters, their stories and relive their heritage and love to me. I laugh and I weep and enfolding the volumes, I hold them close, reliving each moment I shared with them, sharing them with my children and others who have been touched by their lives. The chapters that contain stories of my friends and family are very dear to me and I hold precious each chapter that contains my memories of Amy. I retrace these memories and read the many treasured stories I have accumulated. There too, are chapters that I find difficult to read and the memories of these fill me with regret and the wish to go back and change some of the causes of those difficulties, but I know that is not possible. I do however, take comfort in the fact that Amy and I dealt with those chapters years ago, coming to terms with…forgiving and moving past them. I just wish those times weren’t wasted so foolishly. I can only make sure that I conduct my current and future relationships better. You see, the book of my life is still being written and as the chapters daily unfold, I want to strive to make each chapter worth the life it is printed on.

May we all be inscribed in the Book of Life.

For the love of Amy - V

The weekend (or, the fast and the furious)

2006-12-18T23:46:00.000-06:00

This weekend went by so quickly and so much activity was packed into it that I am exhausted and it seems like just a blur. I got the kids up at 6:15 am on Saturday, got breakfast for the younger two, finished packing and was out the door by 8:10 am. We traveled 3 ½ hours to Waterloo, Iowa to celebrate Christmas with Amy’s family. We arrived around 10:45 am and soon after the rest of the family arrived. There were hugs and many tears as this was the first time since the funeral that we saw anyone from Amy’s family. For the next 1 ½ hours, we chatted and ‘grazed’ on everything from taco dip and chips to lil’ smokies in BBQ sauce. There were all kinds of dips and chips, shrimp with cocktail sauce and Gene even made French dip sandwiches. Somewhere around 2:00pm, when the kids couldn’t stand it any longer, we finally sat down to exchange gifts and while it was fun to watch what everyone got, the best came when Sandy asked the 5 younger boys to stand in a line in front of what looked like a rather large box covered by a big table clothe. Once lined up, she asked if any of them had any idea what was under the covering, none of them ventured a guess and when she removed the covering with a flourish, to see the look on each of those boy’s faces was absolutely priceless! Vinny’s eyes bugged out and he jumped up and down saying ‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’, Josh’s jaw dropped to the floor and took a step back, Jacob just got this huge grin on his face and said ‘Sweet!’, Alex dropped to his knees and said ‘I can’t believe it!’ and Trevor shook his head in disbelief and said ‘You’ve got to be kidding me!’…she had bought each of the boys a Video Gaming chair. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s a comfortable chair that has no legs, sits on the floor and you can rock back in it while you’re playing video games. The best part is that these weren’t any ordinary gaming chairs; they have built in surround sound speakers that can be hooked up to your video console…pretty cool and chalk one up for Nana, she really blew the socks off those boys! Later on, some went to the Waterloo Black Hawks hockey game. Trevor went, but the rest of my family stayed put and either played with their new toys, played board games or watched a video.
Everyone had a really good time and there was much joking and laughter, but through out the entire day there was a subtle subdued air and while all of us carried on, it was abundantly clear that Amy was sorely missed.

We needed to be back before 1:00pm the next day as Brittany’s choral concert started at 1:30pm. The next morning, I decided to let Brittany drive back (well, at least as far as Dubuque, about 90 miles). I figured it was a Sunday morning and she really needs the highway driving time. She did very well and only ‘faded’ to the right on a few occasions. One time she got fairly close to going off the pavement and onto the gravel shoulder, which afforded me the opportunity of explaining exactly why it’s NOT a good idea to do that at 65 mph…she was pretty paranoid about it the rest of the way, but the lesson was learned. We made it back by 12:45pm and Brittany and I both rushed to get ready in time. We made it and the concert was very nice. Before the start and in between choral groups, a man played the theater’s large pipe organ. He played Christmas standards and it was very nice to hum and sing along with the songs. Right after the concert, I had to run home, get the younger two ready and took them up to the church for their final rehearsal before their Christmas show that started at 6:00pm. I came back home, got something for Trevor and I to eat (it’s 4:00pm at this point and none of us had lunch!) and after Brittany got home, all of us went up to the church to see the kids’ Christmas show. The show was nicely done and all of the kids did a wonderful job and I got to thinking, as I watched what used to be Amy’s Sunday school class, that Amy stood with the whole of heaven’s hosts as the worship of those children reached the ears of our Lord Jesus Christ. If I enjoyed it, can you imagine the pleasure…the sweet aroma it was to Him?

For the love of Amy - V

Over the river and through the woods...

2006-12-15T23:41:00.000-06:00

Just a short note tonight. We have to get up early as we have Christmas with Amy's family. Please be praying for all of us as this will be the first major family get together since Amy's passing. Pray for peace of mind, for Joy that everyone will enjoy themselves and laugh. While everyone will be missing Amy deeply, I know she would want...no, she would expect us to have fun, to laugh and if you really knew Amy, to be slightly naughty.

Well, I must be off to bed.

For the love of Amy - V

God knows our grief

2006-12-14T23:53:00.000-06:00

Psalm 31:7 - For you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.

When you've walked through the valley of the shadow of death
When you thought the worst was over and the worst was all that was left
Some things can't be explained now, but one day He surely will
Look up through the pain now, you will find Him Deeper Still
Deeper still you will find him, deeper than you sought before
Deeper than the anchor goes, deeper than the ocean floor
Deeper still your faith has taught you, deeper still there is to go
Deeper still we find the Savior, deeper still than we know.

God knows about grief, He understands our pain, our sorrow, our loss. The night Jesus was arrested he spent a good deal of time in prayer at that rock in the garden of Gethsemane. He asked His father (Math 26:39)‘…My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.’ Jesus knew what He was facing and what He would have to endure and He also was keenly aware of what was at stake…and yet He still asked. Jesus didn’t want to drink of the cup of suffering, but He submitted to His father’s will. What an incredible picture of what it must have been like to be God become man. Even Jesus Christ didn’t want to face the grief that awaited him. Who does? Who hasn’t faced an anguished, pleading moment and found ourselves saying, ‘God, get me out of this! Perform a miracle in me! Don’t make me go through this sickness, this hardship, this struggle. Don’t take my wife’s life! Take this from me! Take IT!’
Christ’s grief was very real at Gethsemane. In fact, it was so intense, Luke 22:44 says ‘his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.’ But it didn’t end there; Jesus had Golgotha to face yet. Beaten and bleeding, He carried His own cross to the very spot where they pounded spikes through His hands and feet and raised that cross until it slid into the hole with a ‘thump!’ I can imagine that through the jeering, laughter and people spitting on Him, Jesus felt utterly alone…forsaken…abandoned. He even said, ‘My GOD! My GOD!...why have you forsaken me?!’ He knows grief; Jesus is quite acquainted with grief…with pain…with sorrow. When we face our own Golgotha, the crucible of suffering. A place so terrible, so alone, so dark, that one feels forsaken, Jesus is there with you. He knows each step…He knows the way, but He doesn’t want to help you carry your cross…He’s already carried your cross…He’s already paid the price and as we come to Him, weeping in our grief, He envelops us in His open arms and says, ‘I know my child…I know.’ And He really does!

For the love of Amy - V

Where has the time gone

2006-12-13T20:11:00.000-06:00

It’s been one month this morning since Amy went to be with the Lord. Life has been a whirlwind and just plain crazy as I adjust to filling both roles. Making sure the kids get to where they’re supposed to be, when they’re supposed to be there, keeping the house in order (still working on that!), etc. I know I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself, but my hope is that we will soon all settle into a rhythm. It’s hard…some days harder than others as my emotions sway from a longing pang to deep sorrow. I miss her so much and I always will.
Today a memory came to me…a memory of a conversation that Amy and I had about 2 to 3 weeks before she passed away. We had been talking about the see-saw news we had received from the doctors and she related that earlier in the day she had talked with her mother (updating her on what the doctors had told us) and during their talk, Amy told her, ‘Mom, I just love Vince SO much!’ I can’t seem to recall what the comment was in specific reference to, but we had many talks about her not wanting to die and leave me. Amy and I had our share of issues throughout our marriage, but God continually drew us together. Building our love for each other upon His foundation and through His love for the two of us until, with Him as the center, we could withstand any storm. And this got me to thinking; maybe the earlier tests of our relationship, hardships we endured and spats we had, were allowed in order to strengthen our love and commitment to each other, so that we might both be prepared for the final storm.

Oh, how I wish we could have had more time together…just a day, even an hour. To listen to her voice…hold her hand…run my fingers through her hair.

For the love of Amy - V

Contentment

2006-12-11T07:35:00.000-06:00

Philippians 4:11(b) - I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

In the devotional that I am reading, they expounded upon the above verse this way. ‘I have learned to be satisfied with the things I have and with everything that happens to me.’ We are all extremely blessed, think about it. When was the last time you had to make a choice between gas for the car and food for the table? Even at that, you’re blessed enough to have a car and a table to even make a choice over. The very air that all of us draw into our lungs is a blessing from God. Each breath, each heartbeat, our children and even the very Sun which rises and sets day after day…all blessings from our heavenly father. The next time you drive through the bluffs, I challenge you to not find blessing in the beauty of God’s creation in the rolling of the hills or the colors of the trees.
What if God’s only gift…only blessing to you were His grace to save you? You beg Him to keep your business afloat, we plead with Him to make our sick children well, I’ve implored Him to reach down His healing hand and remove the cancer from my wife’s chemo and radiation abused body. What if His answer is, ‘My grace is enough.’ Would you be content? If God did nothing more than send His ONLY son (who was abused, beaten, whipped, spat upon and crucified upon a cross) to save you from the fiery torments of hell, should anyone complain?
You see, from heaven’s perspective, grace IS enough. Having been given eternal life, dare we grumble at an aching body? Having been promised a storehouse of riches in heaven where nothing will perish, do we dare bemoan earthly poverty, which is only for a season?

I know it’s tough, believe me, I have…am…living it. Contentment, the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as: 1. Quietly satisfied and happy – reasonably happy and satisfied with the way things are. 2. Ready to accept something – willing to accept or comply with a situation or course of action. I would not say that the first definition is where I am at right now. Truth be told, I am not reasonably happy or satisfied, however I also am not angry or spiteful. Right now, my contentment is much more like the second definition. I have had many people tell me that I have a right to be angry about this…I don’t think so. Upset, sad, heartbroken, longing after, yes. But to actually be angry with God? Isn’t that tantamount to saying that His plan isn’t perfect? That He made a mistake? And if I believe He makes mistakes, what does that say about my faith?

If you have the means to be reading these words, or the hands to type a response, not to mention having the eyesight and knowledge to read these words, hasn’t God already given you grace pilled upon grace?

For the love of Amy - V

The stockings are hung by the chimney with care!

2006-12-09T23:36:00.000-06:00

Well, I finished putting the last of the Christmas decorations up last night. Wrapped the front columns with evergreen garland, draped some along the top of the openings of the porch. Then went back and attached small red bows throughout and two large red bows to the front of each of the pillars. On the inside of the house, I only had our stockings to hang in front of the fireplace. I hadn’t intended to hang Amy’s, but Vinny asked me, ‘Aren’t you going to hang up Mommy’s stocking?’ I just stopped and looked at him and for a split second thought about telling him, ‘No, Vinny…we’re not going to.’ but instead I saw the pleading in his eyes and the unasked question of ‘Why wouldn’t we?’ So, I took a breath and asked him, ‘Would you like me to?’ and he sort of half smiled…a thinning and stretching of the lips really…and rapidly nodding his head, said ‘Yes, Daddy…please?’ And so, Amy’s stocking is hung right along with ours, where it should be.

Oh and by the way…I won the battle with those Candy Cane lights; they are securely fastened and standing the way they should!

Psalm 46:1 - God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

For the love of Amy - V

Announcing, Her Royal Highness...

2006-12-08T23:49:00.000-06:00

Six years and a roughly 8 months ago, Amy went to see her physician to see about taking permanent measures to keep from getting pregnant. Amy and I had talked about it in great length over the period of at least a year and while Amy and I would have loved to have more kids, neither of us could see where we could afford to have more. So, as part of this visit, Amy had also scheduled her yearly exam, which required some blood work among other tests which were all done before her doctor would come in to see her. So, her doctor comes in and asks Amy why she’s there and upon Amy telling her that she’s looking into getting her tubes tied, her doctor smiles at her and says, ‘You don’t know that you’re pregnant do you?’ Amy was stunned! Elated, but stunned! About 8 months later, on December 8th, 2000, Amy gave birth to Hope Rose Howard (HRH – her royal highness!). The actual birth was incredibly fast, so fast in fact that the doctor’s weren’t able to give her ANY pain medication! Amy later said that she had never endured such pain and stress, but from my point of view, she was a real trooper, she did great! I was so amazingly proud of her! Hope came into our family unexpected, but never unwelcomed! She has provided aspects to our family that we’ve never saw before (she’s a princess and a diva through and through!), loves to sing and a lot of the time I will find her singing or humming under her breath (usually making up songs or adding her own lyrics to tunes she already knows) . Today she turns 6. It’s hard to believe that time has gone by so very quickly, it seems that it was just yesterday when she decided to try and cut her own hair or when she spoke her first word (mamma). When she smiles, it truly lights up the room and when she laughs, it gladdens my heart! She is a joy, I love her and thank God that in His infinite wisdom, saw that we weren’t finished having children before she was born. Happy birthday your highness!

I get a lot of forwarded email (like I’m sure all of you do) and I must admit that about 90% of the time, I either quickly peruse them, or skip them altogether. However, last night I received a forward that at first I ignored, but something in the back of my mind kept drawing me back to that email. Maybe it was the title, or perhaps the person who had sent it, but either way I was continually drawn to it until I finally opened it. What it contained was a link to a website and the following note, ‘This is excellent. It puts in perspective the lunacy of the many and varied theories…Gather your kids & watch this together, grandparents make certain your grandkids see it.’ The teaching in it is incredibly simple, the message is SO overwhelmingly powerful and the logic so incredibly sound that I literally had to view it again. And then I called Hope in and viewed it with her. Then I called Vinny in and viewed it with him and I did this with each of my children and I told them why it was SO important. Here is the link:
WATCHMAKER it is an absolute MUST see and it only takes a few minutes to view, please take the time to view it.
If WE don’t take the initiative as parents or even as grandparents TODAY, not tomorrow, to ensure that our children know the truth, then what they learn in our schools will be the only ‘truth’ they know. If they aren’t taught that life is unique, that it has order and design and that we are here because we have a creator who loved us that much, then the opposite will be what they know as truth, that life isn’t unique, that it’s completely random and happened only by chance. That because life really isn’t unique, that maybe there’s less value to some forms (babies, elderly) of it. Worse yet, if there really is no creator, then my destiny is what I make of it, truth is only relative there really is no right and no wrong, it’s what I determine it to be. Don’t you find it interesting that in the animal world, if a lion kills another lion, that’s the ‘circle of life’, but if a human kills another human, it’s murder? Why is that? It’s because God has knitted deep within each of us a moral code; we instinctively know the basics of right and wrong. You may say, well, we learn our moral code from our parents. I agree that we as parents have a responsibility to reinforce and expound upon our children’s moral fiber, but if we only learn our morals from our parents and they from theirs (and so on), where did the first person get/learn their moral code? If we are, like so many say, descendant/evolved from animals and as I stated earlier that in the animal world many times it’s kill or be killed, why is our moral code different? Why is murder or theft or lying wrong? And why do we feel guilt?

Well, by now you know the answer to that question. All it takes is a quick look inside an analog watch, see the precision with which it was designed and built and how carefully it had to be put together to make it work properly. Nothing random there. Why would be human body, which is exponentially more complex, be any different?

Jeremiah 1:5 – ‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..’

P.S. Someone asked how best to contribute to Amy's memorial fund. There are several, but the easiest would be to send a check directly to me, CLEARLY stating where you wish your dontation to be used (memorial, children's educational trusts, etc) and send them to:

Vince Howard
1016 East St
Baraboo, WI
53913

For the love of Amy - V

Setting up for the Holiday

2006-12-06T23:20:00.000-06:00

As Christmas draws near, we've been decorating the house piece meal. The first night we set up the tree, but didn't put anything else on it. The next night, I discovered that half of our Christmas lights failed to work, so I went out to fetch replacements and decided it would be nice if I got a few of those light up candy canes for the front walk (BIG mistake!), so when I got home, I started right in on those, but it was bitterly cold out that night with a bit of a wind added in. Those canes have a plastic stake that requires them to be pounded into the ground... hard...frozen ground. After snapping two of them right in half, I decided to take it out on the ground and pounded it with the rubber mallet...and found out that pounding the ground actually helped, so I'd 'soften' the ground by pounding it and then I could get the rest of the stakes in without breaking any more of them. I got them all put together and then discovered that half of them didn't fit tightly on the stakes and the wind would blow them right over...like I said, BIG mistake. So, I moved inside to thaw out and put up the lights and angel, enough for one night! The next night I hung the glass ornaments and setup the mantle and top of the piano. And that's where we're at. We'll get there, but the older two have been busy and they need to be here to put up their ornaments (family tradition) and we really don't have that much more to do. Although I can't find the hooks I used last year to hang the stockings and I KNOW there's several other boxes that we didn't get at, but that's OK. It doesn't ALL have to go up.

Once again, I want to thank each and every one of you who have held the kids and I up in prayer and for those of you who have helped out in any large or small way, to us, it's always large and I know it comes from your heart. Through your help and prayers, I can feel God pressence through your love.

For the love of Amy - V

An observation of grief

2006-12-04T21:07:00.000-06:00

Psalm 18:30 – The ways of God are without fault.

When God doesn’t do what we want or expect, it’s not easy…it never will be.

In C.S. Lewis’s book, ‘A Grief Observed’ (written after his own wife died of cancer) he states, ‘Your belief…for God or no God, for a good God or the Cosmic Sadist, for eternal life or nonentity…will not be serious if nothing much is staked on it. And you will never discover how serious your faith is until the stakes are raised horribly high,’

How does one cope? I know that over time the sorrow...the loss...the pain will diminish. But, what about right now? What do I do? How do I handle the fact that my kids will grow up, go off to college, get married and raise their own kids without the help, wisdom or love and support of their mother? As the kids grow, there will be things that Amy would have provided that I simply can not. Traits that she carried and provided that I don’t possess. I know that the only way I have made it thus far and will continue to make it through the grief is to rely on God for peace…strength and wisdom. You see, if in your grief, sorrow and pain, you do not turn to God and the wisdom of His word for guidance and solace, you will be hard pressed to even have the desire to get out of bed in the morning! When in your grief you find that you do not even want to leave the house...or you find that you don't even care anymore, turn to God's word and read of His love...read of His caring nature and read of the great compassion that He has for you. Immerse yourself, take every opportunity you can to drench yourself in His word and I guarantee you will find within its passages a healing balm like no other! It is said that time heals all wounds, why wait that long! Within His word, healing begins today! It’s okay to be sad and to grieve. It is okay to ask God questions and ask Him to reveal more of Himself; it is His desire for us to search for and to know Him and to be real with Him and experience His comfort and love. Matthew 7:7-8 says, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Go on and start today, after all what do you have to lose? Nothing..but you will gain your life!

Faith is the conviction that God knows more than we do about this life and He will get us through it.

For the love of Amy - V

Youth Basketball

2006-12-02T20:35:00.000-06:00

Well, today officially started youth basketball season. Vinny, in his first year at 4th grade, had a tournament in Spring Green today. They played three games, lost the first one and won the next two, giving them 2nd place. Pretty exciting for those boys!
I have had a few people leave comments on wanting to participate in the up coming fundraiser/silent auction slated for this coming February. Please email me at the following address for further inquiry/correspondence: vincesblogbox@hotmail.com.

God is for us, He is on our side, on our bench and wearing our colors. Turn to the sidelines, that's God cheering us on. Look past the finish line; that's Him holding your medal. Listen for Him in the bleachers; He's shouting your name! And if you stumble and fall and haven't the strength to carry on, He'll pick you up and carry you! Too discouraged to fight? He'll pick up your standard and defend you until you recover. God IS for you...for me...for us. Your birthdate is circled on His calendar, your name is a bumper sticker on His car and your picture is in His family album. Isaiah 49:15 says this, 'Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has born?...' What an odd question! All of you mothers, think about that. Can you imagine feeding your infant and then later ask, 'What was that baby's name?' That would be absurd! I have seen some of you care for your children. You stroke the hair, touch the softness of the skin, breath deeply the aroma that can only come from a freshly bathed baby and you sing the child's name. Over and over, using different melodies...different timing...different stylings. Can a mother possibly forget? Not a chance. However, as the passage finishes, God pledges, '...even if she could forget...I will never forget you.'

Zephaniah 3:17 - He will rejoice over you. You will rest in His love; He will sing and be joyful about you.

For the love of Amy - V

In the year 1996

2006-12-01T17:10:00.000-06:00

1996, The year the Green Bay Packers not only went to the Super Bowl, but won it. 1996 was also the year we moved from Iowa to Wisconsin and lived in Green Bay where we lived in a small three bedroom ranch style duplex. Amy used to get SO excited because we lived within two miles of Lambeau Field and the blimp would fly right over our house on game day. Also on December 1st, 1996, Vincent Michael Howard was born. Today is Vinny’s birthday and it’s a big one! He goes from single to double digits as he turn 10! Amy always said that God gave her and I Vinny to make us laugh and that is SO true! He is a good sweet boy who has just enough ‘Dennis the menace’ in him to make him interesting, but not enough to make him trouble! Amy related a story to me once about after she had picked Hope and him up from Awana’s on Wednesday evening. It seems that our pastor was talking about our different missionaries and was showing the kids various currency’s from these places. Vinny was explaining this with great excitement to Amy and said ‘Mom, he even had one from eat!’ Amy asked ‘Eat??’ and Vinny said ‘Yeah, eat.’ And that’s when Trevor piped up and said ‘Vinny, don’t you mean Hungary?’ to which Vinny replied ‘Yeah, Hungry…Hungry, Eat…same thing..’ We have SO many what we call Vinny funnies there just isn’t enough time to share them all. Vinny is also a very caring and sensitive boy as I remember on a couple of occasions where he found himself being disciplined and he would look Amy and me in the eye and say with tears in his eyes, ‘I am SO, SO sorry!’ and seeing the depth of his regret, the punishment was minimized. Vinny worried me for awhile after his mother’s passing as he withdrew and became very quite, but over the past week, he has opened up a lot more and is much less withdrawn. Vinny, I am proud to be called your father as I know your mother was proud of you as well. You make it easy to love you and you have an infectious smile. My prayer for you my son is that as you grow older that you continue to grow in the Lord, strive to be the best you can be, do not sacrifice happiness or your soul for success, hang tightly to the memories of your mother and never, ever forget that she and I both love you very much.

May the worst day of your past, be worse than the worst day of your future…

For the love of Amy - V

Sick a clarification & a request

2006-11-30T23:42:00.000-06:00

Stayed home sick from work today; I woke up and felt like a truck had hit me, muscles and joints sore, didn't eat very much...felt like the flu.
I need to clarify a statement I made the other day. The $180,000 I quoted in the use of a perspective to the Pizza Hut fundraiser, is not what I owe for those services. As I stated in that posting, I gathered this figure from the insurance statements we received during that time frame. This was pointed out to me as possibly misleading and I hope this clears that up.
Please pray for me. Without going into details (and don't ask, I'll remind you that this is an unspoken request and think you're a cad for asking!) I need wisdom, patience and the right words to deal with an issue...well, actually a couple of issues.
Tomorrow is Vinny's birthday and he'll turn 10! He'll be in the big double digits; I remember that was a big deal to me, going from a single digit age up to 2!

For the love of Amy - V

Short note

2006-11-29T22:45:00.000-06:00

Not much to say tonight, too tired. Today was better, I kept myself busy and didn't have too much alone time. The kids keep asking when we are going to set up the Christmas tree and I tell them the plan is to put it up this coming weekend. It will be interesting, we always did our decorating as a family; Amy and I would put the lights on together, the kids would hang the ornaments (with Amy putting the hooks on them) and then Amy would always place the Angel on top of the tree. All the other odds and ends (placement of candles, setting up the Christmas village and any outside decorating) was always my job.

For the love of Amy - V

Pizza Hut final figures & future plans

2006-11-28T23:59:00.000-06:00

Not such a good day today. I know that I will have them, bad days that is and I’m sure the kids will as well…I just wish it didn’t have to hurt so badly. I’ll be in the middle of something whether at home or at work and it just comes on me, no rhyme or reason.

I’ve been waiting for confirmation from the Waterloo/Cedar Falls Pizza Huts to reveal what was raised on November 16th and I feel confident that we have a firm figure now, between the Pizza Huts and Dairy Queen here is Baraboo, approximately $4750.00 were raised from sales. In addition, the Pizza Huts in Baraboo, Dairy Queen and Walnut Hill Bible church all had donation jars set out and these raised about $1770.00, so all together, there was about $6520.00 raised to help offset Amy’s medical expenses. To put this in perspective, I looked back at some of the insurance statements that came to us while Amy was going through the combo Radiation/Chemo treatments this past spring, one of these visits billed out at a little over $6000 and she went 5 days a week for 6 weeks. To do the quick math, that’s $180,000; that doesn’t include the cost of three stent replacements, the 7 ½ hour surgery, two hospital says of a week plus each, at least 10 ER visits, countless surgical and oncology clinic visits, 10 or so CT Scans, 3 or 4 MRI’s, post surgical chemo or the cost of her many many medications. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not complaining or even whining, if you’ve read the BLOG at all you’d know that I am very open. God has brought me here thus far, to stop trusting Him now when I need Him the most, would be the ultimate in foolishness. However, I’m telling you this because as the new year dawns, I know there will be at least one more fundraiser and I don’t want those of you who have been so generous to my family to scratch your heads and wonder what’s going on. This other fundraiser is being planned as a ‘tail-gate’ party and silent auction. It will be held here in Baraboo at the Baraboo Arts Center and we’re looking at the afternoon of Super Bowl Sunday (before the actual game). I have some very capable people helping coordinate this and it looks like we should be able to get some very nice packages and items together for this event. Please mark your calendars and plan to attend! For those of you who live farther away and can not attend, but would like to participate, I will be listing the auction items on-line and I’ll cover how this bidding will be handled at a later date. More details for this event will be forthcoming.

For the love of Amy - V

Back to work

2006-11-28T00:28:00.000-06:00

Today was my first day back, it was kind of weird at first, passing people in the halls, silently greeting them, but hearing the look in their eyes. Their eyes were loud, knowing, wanting to ask, but unsure how. I made it easier on them by flashing a quick smile and saying ‘Hi.’ I know and understand this will happen for a time, people care and honestly want to know how I am doing, but many be unsure if they should or how to approach me. As expected I had a ton of email, voice mail and snail mail to wade through. Add a meeting or two, my normal daily responsibilities and normal daily issues that crop up needing my immediate attention and the day went be rather quickly. It felt good to be back. Coming home was another matter all together. When Amy was alive, I would always call her on my way home and we’d chat for a few minutes, about my day, about what was for supper or what was in store for the evening. When I got home, I would always say, ‘Hello? I’m home.’ And Amy would always say, ‘Hi honey! I’m in here.’ I would search her out and we would hug and I would kiss her…always.
I had tried calling Trevor earlier (I gave him Amy’s cell phone) on his cell phone and was quite shocked to hear Amy’s voice still recorded for the voice mail and I actually called it twice more just to hear her voice…and while it crushed me to do it, I called and had it reset.

I’ve been reading in the book of James lately (one of my favorites!) when I came across the 22nd verse in chapter 1. I know that I’ve read this verse many many times before, but this time it practically jumped off the page (that’s what I like about reading the Bible; the fact that you can read and re-read a passage many different times and come away with new insights each time.) I digress, it says, ‘Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.’ There’s a lot in these two sentences and what is said is so basic, so foundational that just like me, if you’re reading through and ‘blink’, you could miss it. ‘Do not merely listen…’ Don’t simply…don’t just…don’t only listen. This tells me that we are expected to do more than just sit in a pew each Sunday and listen to the message or just read our daily devotions, there is an implication of action to be taken. And along with this is a warning that we do not deceive ourselves. We do this by listening to the Word of God, but fail to turn to it for honest counsel and guidance or by reading it and failing to apply what you’ve read to your own life. By merely ‘listening’ to the Word, we fail to ‘live’ the Word and we can only do that through study and application. Try approaching each passage by asking yourself, ‘What difference should this passage make in my life? How should it make me want to think or act?’ and then purposefully press yourself to enact these changes in your life. John 15:1-5 points out that we can not do what the Word says unless we are living intimately with Christ and drawing on His wisdom and power. Lastly, the second sentence says, ‘Do what it says.’ That’s pretty straight forward and really leaves no wiggle room for exceptions or exclusions.

For the love of Amy - V

Quiet

2006-11-25T23:06:00.000-06:00

Well, the day finally came. As of 10 am today, my sister, her husband and their daughter left, leaving the kids and I alone in the house for the first time since October 29th. It’s quiet. Trevor is gone for the night, over to a friend’s house and Brittany has gone bowling with some of her friends and won’t be home until later. It's empty. Come Monday, I’ll return to work…time to resume my life, to press on. Please continue to remember me in your prayers. My sister ripped out a page of the devotional she was reading and left it for me to read and in this one page devotional, it talked about a panel of bereaving parents and one in particular who was struggling through the huge question of ‘why?’ when her own father told her the better question to inquire about is ‘who?’ We may never know why Amy was taken so early from us, but I have no doubt that pursuing who God is in the midst of the tragedy…in the midst of our pain, will bring healing, comfort and peace. Think of what this means to us in our situation. When we face unbearable grief and ask ‘who?’, 2 Corinthians 1:3 tells us: ‘The Father of mercies and God of all comfort.’ When we face weariness and are heavy burdened, we discover in Psalms 18:2 that, ‘the Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer.’ When the world looks bleak and unfairness seems overwhelming, Romans 16:20 tells us that the, ‘God of peace will crush Satan under our feet..’ And when ‘why, God?’ is on my heart and I move instead to ‘Who are you in all of this, God?’, where do I go?...I seek Him in His Word.

Psalm 38:9 - Lord, my desire is before you; and my sighing is not hidden from you.

For the love of Amy - V

Early bird gets the worm...

2006-11-24T22:02:00.000-06:00

Each year on the Friday following Thanksgiving, Amy, her three sisters, brother and their mother, would head out at the crack of dawn and hit the early bird specials and thus the official Christmas season would begin. The night before, each of them would pour over the ads, making lists and prioritizing purchases. Then they would put their heads together and formulate a plan…where to start and what time. Amy cherished that day, in part because she got to go shopping, but more importantly because she was with her mother and siblings and boy would they laugh and carry on...and that's what Amy enjoyed the most! This year, Brittany and I got up at 4:15 a.m. to make it to Kohl’s for their 5:00 a.m. opening. It was WAY too early and there were WAY too many people and we both wished that Amy could have been there, but we did have fun. After Kohl’s, we went and had breakfast together and then hit Wal-Mart; we were only gone for about 2 ½ hours, but that was enough for us!

Tonight, in Waterloo, Iowa, a memorial service was held in Amy’s honor. Mom called me and let me know that somewhere in excess of 400 people showed up. Being one of the busiest days in the year, I believe it provides a testament to exactly how well Amy was liked and respected. Below is a reading I prepared and had my brother-in-law (Randy) read in my absence:

Amy & I met in September of 1985, in the student union at the University of Northern Iowa in Cedar Falls. I had just returned from working all summer at a YMCA camp on Lake Winnipesaukee in New Hampshire and had gone up to the University to look up some of my friends whom I hadn’t seen all summer. As I walked into the building, I spotted one of my friends sitting with someone I didn’t know. Heading their direction and being a male, I checked this other girl out and in essence this is what went on in my brain: …female…messed-up hair pulled back into ponytail…wearing sweats…looks sweaty…BIG owl like glasses…rather non-descript…final analysis: Plain Jane, not interested. I know, I know…’How shallow can this guy be’ and you’re right I was, but I’m here to tell you that is how the majority of young men think. Anyway, my friend introduces me to this girl and her name was Amy VanBesien. I say hello & discover that my friend and her work together at Showbiz Pizza. I finish my conversation with my friend and that was that. The very next day, I was sitting in the union at a large table with a number of my friends, chatting or playing cards when this girl approaches the table and says ‘Hi, guys!’ I look up and again, this in essence is what went on in my brain: WOW!...long wavy dark auburn hair!...beautiful green eyes!...nice makeup, not overstated…LONG legs!...final analysis: Wow! Who is this girl! I lean over to my same friend from yesterday and I say to her, ‘Who is that girl!’ and she looked at me weird and said, ‘That’s Amy, you know, from yesterday?’ and out loud I say, ‘NO WAY!’ Well, evidently the day before, Amy had just gotten out of Tennis class where she had gotten hit in the eye with a tennis ball. Hence the sweats, pulled back hair and BIG owl like glasses on. The difference in her appearance between the two days was SO striking that I was actually dumbfounded.

As of this past August 1st, we were married for twenty years and whether it is messed-up hair, wearing sweats & BIG owl like glasses like the first day we met or if she’s dressed to the nines, I loved Amy…I still do. If I had to do it all over again, I would gladly repeat every moment with her, only this time I’d cherish each minute…every moment I had with her. There simply are no words that adequately describe how deeply I miss Amy; every time I turn over in bed, she is gone…when I sit down to watch our favorite T.V. show, she is gone. I can never again touch her cheek…smell her hair…kiss her lips, this side of heaven. Through out this journey, God has been teaching me a lesson and preparing me for His purposes. The lesson He’s been gently trying to teach me is this: In the face of catastrophic events, in the midst of walking the deepest, darkest chasm of your life, cling to Him. In Hebrews 13:5 our Lord says ‘..Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ and where I know that is the truth, from my perspective, the days and months ahead seem bleak…the color has gone out of the world and everything is muted…dull. Amy brought light and vivid color to my life and to every life she touched. She brought texture and a depth to an otherwise non-descript canvas. Our experiences, the years we were blessed to have together and our love for each other filled that canvas with stark and vivid scenes which God painted with each stroke His plan, being the author and perfecter of our lives.

There is a huge, Amy sized hole in my heart that only time and God can fill. Matthew 11:28 tells us to: ‘Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest.’ And Isaiah 41:10 says ‘So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’

I miss you my love and besides my salvation, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you for being a great wife and a great mother to our children. I count it an honor and a privilege to have known you and to have called you my wife…my friend…my love.

For the love of Amy - V

Giving Thanks...

2006-11-23T23:21:00.000-06:00

Almost every culture in the world has held celebrations of thanks for a plentiful harvest. The American Thanksgiving holiday began as a feast of thanksgiving in the early days of the American colonies almost four hundred years ago. In 1620, a boat filled with more than one hundred people sailed across the Atlantic Ocean to settle in the New World. This religious group had begun to question the beliefs of the Church of England and they wanted to separate from it. The Pilgrims settled in what is now the state of Massachusetts. Their first winter in the New World was difficult. They had arrived too late to grow many crops, and without fresh food, half the colony died from disease. The following spring the Iroquois Indians taught them how to grow corn, a new food for the colonists. They showed them other crops to grow in the unfamiliar soil and how to hunt and fish. In the autumn of 1621, bountiful crops of corn, barley, beans and pumpkins were harvested. The colonists had much to be thankful for, so a feast was planned. They invited the local Indian chief and 90 Indians. The Indians brought deer to roast with the turkeys and other wild game offered by the colonists. The colonists had learned how to cook cranberries and different kinds of corn and squash dishes from the Indians. To this first Thanksgiving, the Indians had even brought popcorn, but it wasn’t until in 1863, at the end of a long and bloody civil war, Abraham Lincoln asked all Americans to set aside the last Thursday in November as a day of thanksgiving.
Today, I spent a great deal of time in reflection on the things that I have to be thankful for from this past year and while it’s been very bittersweet, I found that I have much to be thankful for:
1) Family. Amy and I are very blessed with the families that we have. The love and caring they have shown us and continue to show us has sustained us throughout this year.
2) Church and Community. The outpouring of generosity, support and deep concern that we as a family have received, simply goes beyond words to describe. I find it incredible and humbling and it makes me proud to belong to this community.
3) Wife. I am so very thankful that God’s plan for Amy’s life included me. We had twenty years together and while I can not say that every moment was a honeymoon dream, I can say that even through the tough times our love for each other grew. Although our plans were to grow old together and to watch our grandchildren grow up, it was not to be. I consider myself fortunate that I had the time that I did with her and I am richer for it.
4) God. While I list God last here, this is not where I place Him in perspective to my priorities. He prepared a very difficult journey for Amy and I to traverse this past year. I admit that I do have a lot of questions for Him as to why we needed to go through this and why He had to take her at such an young age, but He is good and I know that He will answer in His own time and in the meantime, He has granted me a modicum of peace. I am thankful to God for the blessings He has bestowed upon me and I know that He will continue to watch over the kids and I. I am thankful that He saw to it that Amy had no or relatively no pain in her last couple of days.

PSALM 100:4 - Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name!

EPHESIANS 5:20 - Giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 THESSALONIANS 5:18 - In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

No matter how dark and hopeless the situation may look…give thanks. This is God's will for all of us. Thank Him for the opportunity to see His deliverance. Thank Him for His mercy and grace. Thank Him for His faithfulness. Thank Him for defeating the devil and setting you free in Christ Jesus. Thank Him that Jesus is Lord. Thank Him that your name is written in the lambs book of life! Thank Him for loving you and taking good care of you.

For the love of Amy - V

Venturing out

2006-11-22T23:31:00.000-06:00

Today was the first time I’ve really been out. I’ve been on short errands, but tonight I went to Wal-Mart and spent about an hour to an hour and a half shopping for necessities and things for Thanksgiving Day. It was hard…I would spot someone I or Amy knew and when our eyes met I could see the deep sadness there. This afternoon I had to pick up a roll of stamps and the gentleman (whom I didn’t recognize) behind the counter at the post office asked me how my wife was…I paused just a second, not quite sure how to answer, I finally said ‘She passed away…last week.’ An awkward moment, but he expressed his condolences.

I’ve noticed that I’ll be fine for awhile, even most of a day, but something will trigger a memory (a place, a sound…even a smell) and my sorrow returns. Sometimes the sorrow is heavy and weights me down and at other times it’s almost bearable. On one hand I want to be done with the sorrow, move on, be OK and on the other, I want to I want…need to be strong for the kids, especially the younger two, they look at me to see my reaction to things, but oh how I miss her.

Psalm 6:2-10 Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. No one remembers you when he is dead. Who praises you from the grave? I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes. Away from me, all you who do evil, for the LORD has heard my weeping. The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer. All my enemies will be ashamed and dismayed; they will turn back in sudden disgrace.

Psalm 16:5-11 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

For the love of Amy - V

A message of comfort

2006-11-21T23:47:00.000-06:00

The day Amy passed away; Vinny pulled me aside and wanted to talk to me privately. Earlier, shortly after Amy had passed, I asked Vinny if he wanted to go into the bedroom and say good-bye to her. I assured him that I would be with him and at first he said that he would like to, but once we stepped into the bedroom, he said that he no longer wanted to and that she looked scary. So, I took him back out and told him that that was OK. So, we went to my bedroom (the funeral home came and took Amy, hours earlier) for our private chat. I asked Vinny what was on his mind and he told me that he heard momma’s voice. Our house was pretty full by then with relatives and people from church, so I told him that I wasn’t surprised that he mistook someone’s voice for Amy’s, but he was insistent and said ‘No! It was momma’s voice!’ Hearing the urgency in his own voice I reassured him and said that it was OK and that mommy wasn’t a ghost. Again, he shook his head and said ‘No, daddy, I heard her say, Vinny, I love you…it will be OK.’

Sometimes my human side, the side that doesn’t see hope, wonders if it will ever be OK again. And on my own, it probably wouldn’t be, but I have to rely on God and in His might power to help me…help the kids through this. There is not a minute that goes by that I don’t think of her…that I wish she was just in the other room.

Psalm 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

For the love of Amy - V

Echoes of her life

2006-11-20T20:03:00.000-06:00

Amy’s journey continues from here as her witness, the very echoes of her life, is used by God and impacts each and every one of us who knew her. Just as concentric circles move outward and become bigger from a pebble tossed into a pond, Amy’s life also was far reaching and ultimately only God knows her effect…her influence and the Holy Spirit will whisper and quicken many, many souls. And where this is Amy’s witness, it’s to God’s glory…to God’s honor…to God’s praise that her faith and strength of spirit spoke so loudly and with such clarity. Amy connected with SO many people, whether they were children, teens or adults. Blood relatives, church family or community friends, Amy took the time to make you feel special…to make you feel important…to make you feel loved.

Psalm 13 - How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 - Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

Isaiah 43:2 - When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

For the love of Amy - V

Laid to rest

2006-11-18T23:13:00.000-06:00

Today we laid Amy to rest. The service was glorious! The songs and message honored both Amy and God. The sheer number of people and the distances that they drove was a true witness to the impact Amy had on people. Last night, one well-wisher told me that they had been thinking about Amy and the fact that she was a substitute teacher and that our savior too was a substitute and a teacher. He was the ultimate substitute, the pure…blemish free sacrifice for our sins. And the lessons he not only taught his disciples but whole crowds, even towns of people, changed the face of the world.
She loved and was well loved in return and while I will miss her every morning when I awake and every evening when I lay my head on my pillow, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that one day I will see her again. On that day she will be waiting at the gates of heaven with her arms open wide and a grand smile on her face and after we embrace, she’ll say ‘Come…I’ll take you to see Jesus!’ Oh, what a spectacular day that will be!

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

The Visitation

2006-11-17T23:37:00.000-06:00

Today was Amy’s visitation. It was a VERY long day…I’m exhausted…spent physically and emotionally. There’s a part of me that still can not believe that she is gone…so young…so vibrant. Being Amy’s husband, I have always been aware of how special she was; she had a way about her that instantly connected with any child. And it didn’t matter if the child was more of a challenge; she took the time needed to nurture and make the child feel loved. And children loved her just as much; there were countless times that we’d run into a student while out shopping and the child would always run up to her and give her a big hug.
While I don’t have confirmed figures yet, people in Baraboo and Waterloo/Cedar Falls came out in hordes in support of Amy last night. There are confirmed reports that many locations ran out of dough and had to send someone to a nearby community (or two) to retrieve more supplies! Wait times ranged anywhere from 1 to 2 ½ hours! Some companies ordered pizza for the entire staff, some schools actually set aside their normal daily menus and had Pizza Hut cater lunch in for the students. What started out as a plan to raise a small amount of funds until the main fundraiser (to be held in Baraboo on Super Bowl Sunday), turned into this huge coordinated effort. My thanks goes out to ALL of those who helped make the night a smashing success!...I truly don’t think Pizza Hut knew what hit them! And I thank YOU …you showed up, ordered pizza and helped us out. Many of you do not know us, but that didn’t matter. You heard about Amy and reached out and showed us your compassion…My kids and I appreciate it and may God richly bless you for it.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TREVOR!

2006-11-16T10:40:00.000-06:00

The next 3 or 4 days are going to be long and exhausting as today is the Pizza Hut fundraiser, tomorrow is the visitation and Saturday is the funeral. If you are planning on eating at Pizza Hut in the Waterloo/Cedar Falls, Iowa or Baraboo, Wisconsin areas today, you can scroll down to the November 9th BLOG posting and print out a copy of the flier if you need. Dairy Queen in Baraboo has also decided to join in today as well and they will be donating 10% of today’s sales towards Amy's medical expenses.
The ebb and flow of well wishers has started to dwindle…all of the kids are back in school and life continues to move forward. Today is Trevor’s 14th birthday, so young and yet becoming quite the young man. I’m proud of you son and I promise to be the best dad I can be.

In Ecclesiastes 3 it says:
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

The Whirlwind and the planning

2006-11-14T23:41:00.000-06:00

Today was extremely long and exhausting as I went to bed late (2:30 am) and woke up to the phone ringing at 7:55 am. No one’s fault but my own as I stayed up contemplating the details of the funeral; I want this to be nice for Amy…she deserves nothing less. I met with my Pastor and the funeral director this morning and we went over the Obit and the fine details of the visitation and service, filled out some paperwork and discussed some other details. Afterward, two of my brother-in-laws and I went over to Walnut Hill Cemetery and chose the plot and settled on a color and style of headstone (although, I have yet to determine what I want to put on it. How can I adequately honor her on such a small space?)
Many, many calls and people coming and going…this is ALL such a whirlwind! People coming and taking the kids to lunch…play dates…shopping…some just to talk. In two weeks or less, when everyone goes back to their lives and the kids return to a more normal life, an emptiness…a strange quietness will settle over this house and even over our lives for a time…OH how I miss her! OH how blessed I feel for God bringing her into my life!

AMY S. HOWARD, BARABOO

Amy S. Howard, 39 of Baraboo, died Monday, November 13, 2006 after a courageous battle with pancreatic cancer. Amy was born in Waterloo, Iowa on January 14, 1967. She was a substitute teacher in the Baraboo School District and also worked seasonally for Land’s End for many years. She was an active member of Walnut Hill Bible Church where she taught Sunday school, worked with youth, and helped lead small group Bible studies. Amy was a member of the Baraboo Music Support Group as well as a member of the South School Parents Support Group. She was the daughter of Richard and Sandra Van Besien of Waterloo, Iowa and the wife of Vince Howard, having been married for 20 years.

In addition to her husband and parents, Amy is survived by her four children, Brittany-16, Trevor-14, Vinny-9, and Hope-5; four siblings, Kelly (Gene) Hansen, Mark (Deanna) Van Besien, and Bridgette (Jeff) Miller, all of Waterloo, and Sara (Dennis) Jordan of Cedar Rapids, Iowa; her maternal grandmother, Mildred Howe of Waterloo, other relatives and many friends.

Visitation will be held on Friday, November 17, 2006 from 4:00 p.m. until 8:00 p.m. at the Walnut Hill Bible Church, 1900 East Street, in Baraboo; and on Saturday, November 18, 2006, at the church, from 9:30 a.m. until the time of funeral services which will begin at 10:30 a.m. with Pastor David Hutchens officiating. Interment will follow in the Walnut Hill Cemetery. In lieu of flowers, memorials may be made to the family to be used in establishing a trust fund for the children’s education. The Redlin Funeral Home in Baraboo is assisting with arrangements.

Here is a map to Walnut Hill Bible Church. I have marked the major roadways into town in GREEN and the location of the church with a RED cross.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Journey's End...

2006-11-13T23:18:00.000-06:00

This morning I awoke at 5:40 am to Amy’s breathing…raspy…gurgling. I turned towards her and said, ‘Amy…Amy, you need to cough honey.’ Her weak attempt did nothing to clear what I perceived was a clogged throat and I knew it was more than just a simple phlegm issue. I got up and called my sister and her husband (who is a physician) who are staying here, into our room. My brother-in-law confirmed my fears, Amy’s lungs were filling with liquid. They asked me if I wanted to call Hospice and I told them yes and asked if someone would call them for me. I tried to get Amy’s attention again and asked her if she was in any pain and through the bubbling in her throat, she said no, she wasn’t. Hearing the audible results of her lungs filling up, I pressed her and asked if she wanted some Morphine and she answered by saying ‘No Morphine.’ I had my brother-in-law call Amy’s mother, who was staying at the hotel and tell her she should come soon. After Amy’s mother and older sister came, tears were shed and words were spoken to Amy; words of love…words about happier times. Brittany and Trevor were called down and they sat with her for awhile and Brittany read to Amy from the Bible. Trevor decided to go to school and Brittany wanted to stay with her mom. We sang hymns to Amy and around 8:05 am, Amy’s breathing changed. It became shallower and each breath was spaced out longer. We stopped singing and I leaned in close and told her; ‘Amy…I love you…I will ALWAYS love you! It’s OK to go to Jesus…The kids and I will be OK…’ She took two more labored breaths and she was gone…

My heart is crushed…I miss her deeply and but for God’s providence, friends and family I truly do not know how I will go on without her. I know now what it means when the scriptures say; ‘..and the two shall become one flesh.’ She completed me and I her. There is a large part of me that is gone and I ache. Her laugh…touch…tears…voice will not be experienced again this side of heaven and the world is less bright because of it.

I truly take comfort in the fact that I know I will see her again someday in heaven and that prompts me to ask, if any of you were to pass away tonight, are you confident of where you would spend eternity? Are you comfortable with your answer? I’m not here passing judgment or pointing fingers, but if you’re not confident…if there’s any doubt, you can be sure. John 3:16 says: ‘For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that who so ever believeth in Him, shall not perish, but have eternal life.’ …if you’re not sure, do not wait…life is fleeting and no one is guaranteed a tomorrow.

While Amy’s earthly journey has come to an end, I do intent to continue with this blog at least for a time. Where I go from here and what I will relate has yet to be determined, but the richness of Amy’s life and the experiences we have shared have not even begun to be tapped.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Learning to be cared for

2006-11-10T23:11:00.000-06:00

As each day comes, I cherish the moments when Amy looks at me and smiles…or she wraps her arms around my neck when I help her stand and I get to hold her close; hugging her tightly, I kiss her neck…or when I walk into the room and she raises her head and says ‘Hey, you!’. Suddenly every argument seems trivial… every harsh word, angry outburst and spiteful deed, shaming. Did it really matter? No…Love matters! It’s almost frightening to get to this point in our lives…in this journey…and realize that the depth and richness of my love for Amy can cause me pain. I love her SO much that it hurts me to see her hurt.

2 Corinthians 1:4 - Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

When one of my children’s feelings gets hurt, I tell them they are special. When one of them gets injured, I do whatever it takes to make them feel better. When one of them is afraid, I won’t go to sleep until I know they feel secure.
I’m not a hero…I’m a parent. When a child hurts, a parent does what comes naturally, they help…

Why then is it that I don’t let my Father do for me what I am more than willing to do for my own children?

I’m learning…being a father is teaching me that when I’m criticized, injured or afraid, there is a Father who is ready to comfort me. There is a Father who will hold me until I’m better, help me until I can live with the hurt and who won’t go to sleep when I’m afraid of waking up and seeing the dark…ever.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

The Waterloo/Cedar Falls Flier

2006-11-09T18:59:00.000-06:00

The picture above is of the family of Vince and Amy Howard, who currently live in Baraboo, WI. Amy was born and raised in Waterloo IA, graduating from Columbus High School and UNI. Amy’s parents, Dick and Sandy VanBesien, and much of their family reside in the Waterloo/Cedar Falls area.
This past February, Amy was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at the age of 39. Amy has managed to undergo an initial round of radiation and chemotherapy, and a successful surgery to remove the tumor. As she battles this life-threatening disease, the associated medical expenses have been staggering – especially when you consider (as seen in the picture above) that the Howards have four children, ranging in ages from 16 to 5, to support on what is now one income. That is why we, the “Family and Friends of Amy”, would appreciate your support in raising funds to help the Howards.

Pizza Hut locations in Waterloo and Cedar Falls have graciously consented to name THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 16 as “Support Amy Day”.

ON THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 16, place a dine-in, carryout, or delivery order to any of the Pizza Hut locations below. Present this flyer – VERY IMPORTANT!! When you present this flyer, Pizza Hut will donate 20% of your order in support of Amy’s fight. Enjoy delicious Pizza Hut products, and help Amy and the Howard family. What could be better?! Pass this on to as many people as you can. THANK YOU!!!

LOCATIONS
Waterloo
2825 Crossroads Blvd 233-0120
714 LaPorte Road 233-5600
1130 Ansborough 234-5583

Cedar Falls
6130 University Ave 277-3661
1612 W 1st St 266-1300

The Baraboo Flier

2006-11-09T18:49:00.000-06:00

Friends & Neighbors, the picture above is of the family of Vince and Amy Howard, who have lived in Baraboo since the fall of 1997. Both Amy and Vince have involved themselves in many civic and church related organizations (Baraboo Boys Club Basketball, Baraboo Music Support Group and South School Parents Support Group just to name a few). Amy is a substitute teacher in the Baraboo School District and has had the privilege of educating many of your children.
This past February at the age of 39, Amy was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. Amy has undergone an initial round of radiation and chemotherapy, surgery to remove the tumor and has started a second round of chemotherapy in her continuing battle with this life-threatening disease. Because of its debilitating nature, Amy has not been able to work since this past February. As one would expect, the medical expenses associated with this disease are staggering – especially when you consider that the Howards have four children, ranging in ages from 16 to 5, to support on what is now one income. That is why we, the “Family and Friends of Amy”, ask for your support in raising funds to help the Howards. Our local Pizza Huts here in Baraboo have graciously consented to name THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 16th as “Support Amy Day”. Pizza Hut will donate a generous portion of that day’s sales in support of Amy’s fight.
Please remember this date and invite your families, friends, neighbors and co-workers to come in, pick up or order for delivery Pizza Hut pizza, salad, pasta, sandwiches - - whatever you want - - and help Amy and the Howard family. The more people we get to participate, the more you and Pizza Hut can help!

In order for Pizza Hut to properly apply this donation, PLEASE print/copy this flier and present it at the time you place your order.

PLEASE help us spread the word! Pass this email on to your friends and family, print out a handful of these fliers and set them in the break room at work, spread the word through your church, your civic organization or club!

Thank you and God bless you, “Family and Friends of Amy”

Mobilized

2006-11-08T23:37:00.000-06:00

Just a short note tonight...too tired...too drained. As expected, family and friends are calling and visiting. Offering help...food...resources...rooms for family. Thank you for that.
The fund raisers are pressing forward and by the way I hear it, Iowa is very mobilized for the Pizza Hut night on the 16th.

Please pray for strength and clarity...for Amy...for the kids...for me

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

I'm not done...

2006-11-07T23:20:00.000-06:00

God is a specialist when the anguish is deep. His ability to heal the soul is profound! But, only those who rely on His wounded Son will experience relief…

This morning Amy had an appointment to get more fluid withdrawn and got up to get ready before I would have to leave for work. I helped her into the bathroom and into the shower and waited patiently while she cleansed herself. As she shut off the water, I went to grab a towel for her when she said something about her legs and just that quick…she collapsed in a heap in the tub. She was less than 2 feet in front of me and I couldn’t even help her and if it weren’t for her falling straight down (and God’s protection), she could very well have careened off the wall of the shower and crashed onto the lip of the tub…that would have been VERY bad. Amy was in the tub on her knees and barely had the strength to keep her body from falling backward. I climbed in behind her and tried simply muscling her back into a standing position…this failed miserably as her legs had absolutely no strength and she was just dead weight. By this time, her mother had come in and the two of us still could not get her back onto her feet. Finally, with Brittany’s help, we got Amy up onto the edge of the tub, swung her legs over the lip and lifted her into the wheelchair. Amy’s fortunate that she wasn’t more seriously hurt, but I’m certain she’ll be quite stiff and bruised.
On the way to Madison, we called ahead and asked if Dr. Mulkerin could see Amy today as we wanted him to be aware of her fall, the nurse said that she would check and get back to us. It wasn’t until Amy was just starting the pre-Paracentesis process that they called and said that Dr. Mulkerin could see Amy in about 30 minutes, if she could make it then. So, we got Amy back up and into the wheelchair and took her to see Dr. M…When he came into the room, he asked a battery of questions like, ‘how well have you been eating’, ‘any vomiting’, ‘how are your energy levels’, etc. He then went on to say that despite last weeks reports that she was eating well, it’s obvious by looking at her that she’s malnourished and that she’s been on the blood thinners long enough now that we should have seen results of her improving…but we haven’t. Instead, we have seen evidence of the opposite; weak, malnourished, can’t stand on her own, dehydration, etc. These are all signs that the cancer is back and that with the weakened state that she’s in if she were to have a medical incident, it would be life threatening. I asked him to define this and he said that it could be as simple as a cold or another fall to a virus or infection. Amy’s mom asked what about putting her back on chemo and he said doing that would kill her. I then asked him for his honest, trained assessment of the time he thought she had left. He thought long about that and said that looking at her rapid decline and the fact that she hasn’t gotten any better, he thought a major medical event could happen in two weeks. I then asked him what if she didn’t have a major medical event, how long? He thought about that again and said that she could see Thanksgiving, but more than likely, not Christmas.

I’m not done
Not done running my fingers through her hair
Not done smelling the sweetness of her skin
Not done touching her smooth, soft cheek
Not done snuggling in and holding her close
Not done laughing and playing silly games
Not done walking the dog together late at night
Not done sitting and just chatting
Not done having our quite time together
Not done kissing the nape of your neck
Not done feeling your cold feet on mine
Not done growing old with you
I’m not done loving you

After we got home, we gathered the kids into our bedroom and told them the news. This was the single most difficult thing I’ve ever done. How do you tell your kids that their mother won’t see them graduate or go off on their own? How do you tell your kids that their mother won’t see them married or see her first grandchild? There were many tears…it’s just SO difficult.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Mark your calendars!

2006-11-07T00:11:00.000-06:00

Amy is filling up with fluid again and her mother will be taking her to get drained tomorrow. While there, they will ask about putting in a shunt so she doesn’t have to go in every 5 days or so. We met with a person from our local Hospice provider this afternoon. It was informative and I can see where some of the offerings can/will be beneficial, but she made it plain that their approach was strictly palliative with the focus on keeping Amy comfortable and to provide nursing services…not curative or treatments to prolong life. They were careful not to say that Amy was indeed terminal, but it was obvious that their purpose is to make a person comfortable until the end OR until the person recovers enough to no longer need their services.

Now, some friends and family have coordinated an effort to raise donations to help offset Amy’s medical expenses. The first of two events will be held on NOVEMBER 16th, 2006. Pizza Huts in Waterloo/Cedar Falls, Iowa and Baraboo, Wisconsin have generously agreed to donate 20% of all proceeds for that day in support of Amy’s battle against Pancreatic Cancer. Eat-in, Carry-out or Delivery, it doesn’t matter. In a few days I will post a coupon/flier and this flier must accompany your order on Nov 16th in order for Pizza Hut to know if an order is in support of Amy or not. It’s important to know that all funds do not go directly to Amy and I. Rather, they go to a firm that manages trusts and funds of this nature. So, if you’re so inclined, spread the word!

Thank you for your prayers, your kind thoughts and your support

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

A matter of perspective

2006-11-04T23:37:00.000-06:00

Amy slept most of the day today. She did watch football off and on between sleeping and stayed awake long enough to eat and visit a little. She’s been asking to see family and as such, her brother Mark and his family (wife DeeDee and son’s Jacob and Josh) are up here until Sunday. This is kind of a two-edged sword as it brings her joy to see those she loves, but through self-imposed expectations and energy expended, it can leave her drained as well.

It is vital that we pray, armed with the knowledge that God is in heaven. Pray with any lesser conviction and our prayers are timid…hollow…lukewarm. But spend some time walking in the workshop of the heavens, seeing what God has done and watch how your prayers will be energized…Behold the sun! For each square yard, the sun is constantly producing 130,000 horse power (the equivalent of 450 eight-cylinder engines.) And yet as powerful as our sun is, it is but one minor star amongst the 100 billion orbs which make up our Milky Way galaxy. Now, if you take a dime, hold it between your thumb and index finger and extend it at arms length towards the sky, allowing it to eclipse your vision…you will block out fifteen million stars from your view. Psalms 19:1 says, ‘The Heavens tell of the glory of God.’ By showing us the heavens, God is showing us His workshop…He taps us on the shoulder and says, ‘Your Father can handle that for you.’

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Our Defender

2006-11-03T23:41:00.000-06:00

This has been a rough week. I have sat back and watched Amy relinquish control of several things and while I know these small surrenders may only last for a season, It’s hard to watch the one you promised to cherish and to hold go through this.
Amy has struggled with some very harsh vomiting the past two mornings. These bouts leave her weak, exhausted and her throat raw.

Psalm 62:6 – He is my defender, I will NOT be defeated.

Here is a very direct question. What is God doing when we are in a bind? When the lifeboat springs a leak? When the parachute fails to open? When the last penny is gone before the last bill is paid?... I know what we’re doing, biting our nails like corn on the cob…Pacing floors…Possibly even ignoring the incessantly ringing phone. But what does God do?...He fights for us. He steps into the ring, points us to our corner and takes over. Exodus 14:14 says so, ‘The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.’ His job is to defend, our only job is to be still…to trust. It takes a great deal of faith and trust to allow someone to take over for you, to relinquish control and input and fully trust that they will act in your best interest. No direction…second guessing or questioning. Just trust, pray and wait.

Joshua 1:9 – ‘Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.’

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Palliative suggestions

2006-11-02T21:51:00.000-06:00

Amy had an appointment with her Oncologist today. Dr. Mulkerin was back and she was happy to see him. Previous to seeing him, she had more blood work done and the results showed a slight decline in liver function since last week. Amy took the opportunity to get caught up with him and his opinion about her health and he reiterated that they continue to see no evidence of cancer recurrence. He cautioned her that in her weakened state that she must be extremely careful, that even contracting a simple cold could put her in the hospital in intensive care. He also wants us to consider in house Hospice care…I’m not sure what to think about this, I will really have to think about it and pray. He also prescribed a walker with a tray and a foam wedge for her to use in bed to help her sit up more easily. He also asked her if she’d like a hospital bed at home…at this point she started to cry and blinking back tears she answered him, ‘No…I think that will be too much for the kids…’
Amy continues to eat well (she lost 1lb this week), but she sleeps/naps a lot. To be fair, she is up quite a bit during the night, so maybe it balances itself out.

Psalms 91:1-2 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

Dear Heavenly Father,
when all is darkness and we feel our weakness and helplessness, give us the sense of Your presence, Your love, and Your strength. Help us to have perfect trust in Your protecting love and strengthening power, so that we may endure the weight of this journey, and through clinging to the cross and searching you out, we shall see Your hand...Your purpose...Your will through all of this.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Nothin' new

2006-11-01T23:15:00.000-06:00

Nothing really new today. Amy sees her oncologist tomorrow, so it will be interesting to hear what he has to say and I'll be excited to hear if Amy has continued to gain weight. Please continue to pray for the kids, especially the older two as we see evidence that this is take a greater toll on them than first believed.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Traditions and eatting us out of house and home

2006-10-31T21:23:00.000-06:00

Well, we did what we always do on Halloween; Amy stays home and passes out the candy and I walk the streets with the kids who shamelessly go from door to door, demanding sweets or promising retribution! Normally this goes on for at least an hour and several miles of walking, but with temperatures hovering around 25 deg. Hope and Vinny got cold after the first couple of blocks. So, about a half hour later and 20 lbs of candy each, we returned home. Brittany stopped going with us about 3 years ago and this year Trevor finally dropped off. I know it's kind of strange, but this is our little tradition, this is what the Howard family does and I can not imagine doing it any other way. And in a melancholy thought, I know that as the kids continue to grow older, these traditions will either move with our kids and into their families or go by the wayside and be forgotten.

Last night Amy was in quite a bit of pain and started having some issues taking a deep breath. This was being caused by the build up of the fluid again. She was taken to Madison and they drained another 4.1 liters from her today and she feels SO much better. I have also noticed since about Saturday she is starting to eat more and more often which is a huge plus!

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

A weighty matter of Faith

2006-10-27T23:47:00.000-05:00

Amy slept quite a bit today, but did get up for supper and didn’t return to bed until after the Cardinals defeated the Tigers to win the World Series. She stuck it out and even snacked on some string cheese and an apple. By the way, I forgot to report that we found out yesterday that Amy has gained 6 pounds! I know that sounds odd on this day and age where everyone is weight conscious and wanting to cut weight, but this is a good thing for Amy.

Through out this self-described roller coaster ride, I can honestly say that while I haven’t lost faith in God and His plan for Amy and us, the foundation has withstood some pretty harsh direct blows. And it’s been during those times that I’ve discovered that God’s faithfulness has never depended on the faithfulness of us, His children. He is faithful even when we aren’t. When we lack courage, He doesn’t. He has authored history by using people in spite themselves and their imperfections. Need an example? Take the feeding of the five thousand. It’s the only miracle, aside from those of the week leading up to Jesus’ crucifixion, which is recorded in all four gospels. Why do you suppose out of all the miracles Jesus performed, all four writers thought this one worth recording? Perhaps they wanted to show how God doesn’t give up even when His people do…When the disciples didn’t pray, Jesus prayed. When the disciples didn’t see God, Jesus sought God. When the disciples were weak, Jesus was strong. When the disciples were afraid, Jesus was fearless. When the disciples lacked faith, Jesus’ faith was immovable. Oh what it must have been to sit at His feet!
I simply think that God is greater than our weakness. In fact, I think that through our weakness and reliance upon Him, His glory is revealed and He is honored.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Prayer's power

2006-10-26T22:05:00.000-05:00

Greetings to all and God bless! Thank you, all of you who have responded and have shown your support for Amy this day! It does our hearts glad to hear that Amy is on so many people's minds from Wisconsin to Texas and even to India (and today, we've had people from: Morocco, Italy, China, Germany, Sweden & the United Kingdom reading the blog!). Today Amy, her mother, her three sisters and I all went to Madison to meet with the doctor to review yesterday’s CT Scan. The scan came back yet again showing no sign of cancer. We pressed and prodded and well, felt like we put that doctor to the inquisition and he said that while they're not 100% sure, they now believe that the cancer has in fact NOT returned. The spots on her liver (which have been there since her first scan even before her diagnosis) remain unchanged, the fluid continues to test negative for cancer and her CA19-9 continues to fall (it’s 95 now). They are attributing all of this (Amy's lack of strength, energy, etc) to the clot in her Hepatic vein and fluid build up. The CT Scan also clearly showed that the re-canalization (new capillary growth) is progressing nicely and they expect that if this continues, Amy should start turning the corner in about 3 weeks. The doctor also said that they would like to re-join her chemo treatments in order to finish the full recommended regimen. We pushed back somewhat and asked if this could please be put off until Amy is back on her feet. This is confusing, having the doctors say one thing 5 days ago and then do a 180 turn today. We truly believe that God has yet again shown His grace and love by revealing Himself through the affirmation of Amy's healing. We know and understand that this is no guarantee (who of us has a guarantee of even one more day?), but God also asks us not to worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself. So, rejoice with us tonight as God continues to work His plan through Amy!

I would ask for your prayers; for understanding in all of this and in absence of understanding, peace. It’s heart wrenching, physically draining, mentally distracting and spiritually absorbing to experience these extreme peaks and valleys and while I know growth comes through adversity, we sure could use a respite!

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Tests, Sisters and the return of PURPLE

2006-10-25T19:02:00.000-05:00

Amy had another 3.1 liters of fluid drained from her today and tonight they performed a CT Scan. She went down to Madison with her mother and all three of her sisters met them there. All of them will be traveling up here afterward and spending the night with us (I told Kelly, her OLDER sister that I’ve set up a cot for her out in the garage!) and then all of us will be going back down tomorrow for more tests and to find out the results from her doctor.

I am very tired…physically, emotionally and spiritually. I may add to this later in the evening, but for now I have no more to say. PLEASE don’t forget to support Amy by wearing purple tomorrow and if someone, who isn’t wearing purple, asks you why, tell them about Amy. If you can, please drop a quick comment letting us know that you wore purple, it really does Amy’s heart good to read about those who have and continue to show their support.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

The Appointment

2006-10-24T23:46:00.000-05:00

Amy met with her oncologist today. He wants to keep a closer eye on her since he pulled her off of chemo so; he’s seeing her every week now…he wants to be able to more quickly/accurately ascertain her progress. Today he confirmed with Amy and her mother what he talked to me about last Thursday and Friday, that in spite of the scans and various tests, he feels the chances are that the cancer has returned. He went on to explain that Amy should have shown significant improvement by now, but instead has shown a steady decline and this is classic in a patient where cancer has recurred. He told Amy that she and I need to sit down together and start preparing and make some decisions. He went on to say that he hasn’t given up hope…he could be wrong and Amy might bounce back, but it’s the very fact that she hasn’t that has him concerned. Amy was supposed to have another CT Scan sometime next month, but he has moved that up to tomorrow (at 6:45pm). I had a discussion about her CT Scans with her doctor last week when he called me. Typically, when pancreatic cancer metastasizes, it will spread either into the liver, lower lobes of the lungs or into the stomach/bowels. So I asked him how high the scans were, if they included the lower lobes of the lungs. He said that the scans did show the lower tips of the lobes and these appeared to be clear. I also asked him about the stomach/bowels and he said that the CT Scan indicated some thickening of the wall of the small bowel/intestines, but he attributes this to the fluid build up.

Tomorrow, Amy has her CT Scan, but Thursday we will be told the results. I would like to ask for your support by once again wearing purple this coming Thursday. Please spread the word as many no longer read this blog regularly. Let's raise awareness, let's support Amy, let's storm the gates!

Can you imagine the outcome if a parent honored each and every request of each child during a cross country trip? Between stopping for snacks, bathroom breaks and stops to keep them from getting too bored, it would take you forever (if ever!) to get to your destination.
Now, can you imagine the chaos if God indulged each of ours?

1 Thess. 5:9 says: For God has not destined us to the terrors of judgment, but to the full attainment of salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Note God’s destiny for your life…Salvation. God’s overarching desire is that you (that is: you, me…everyone!) reach that destiny. His itinerary includes stops that encourage your journey. He frowns on stops that deter you. When His sovereign plan and your earthly plan collide, a decision must be made. Who’s in charge of this journey? If God must choose between your earthly satisfaction and your heavenly salvation, which do you hope He chooses?...me too.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. To these I commit myself daily. If I succeed, I give Him thanks. If I fail, I seek His grace. And then, when each day is done, I place my head on my pillow…and rest.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

A late night tap

2006-10-23T23:54:00.000-05:00

Saturday night, good friends of ours brought supper to us and we ate together, chatted and watched the Cardinal’s win game one of the World Series together. It was a nice relaxing time. After they left, Amy said that she wasn’t feeling the greatest, that she knew she was ‘filled’ up again and was finding it difficult to breath. Normally, she got tapped when she went down to get her treatments on Monday, but this was Saturday night and it was after 10pm. Not wanting to travel down to the UW Hospital to have this done, we went to St. Claire’s right here in Baraboo. It was different, they did it via gravity feed as apposed to vacuum bottle, but 5.2 liters later, they eventually got the job done (we went in around 10pm and came home around 2:30am). Because of the late night on Saturday, we kept a very low profile on Sunday and rested.

Think for moment about this question: What if God weren’t here on earth? What if His presence, His favor, His blessings were gone? You think people are cruel now, imagine what we’d be like without the presence of God. If you think we’re brutal to each other now, imagine the world without the Holy Spirit. You think there is loneliness…despair and guilt now, imagine life without the touch of Jesus. No forgiveness…no acts of kindness…no words of love and encouragement…no blessing…no order…no hope. No more food given in His name. No more songs sung to His praise and no more deeds done in His honor. If God took away His angels, His grace, His promise of eternity and His servants, what would the world be like? …in a word? Hell.

Bring the Rain – Mercy Me
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that we've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since our lives were changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy

Thanks, Donna…

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Faith & setting the record straight

2006-10-21T12:37:00.000-05:00

I talked with my sister Donna today and during the conversation we talked about Amy’s and my week, our kids, their up coming week and faith. She paid me a very nice compliment concerning my faith which in turn got me thinking about faith and what faith requires of us.
James 2:26 says that ‘Faith that does nothing is dead!’
Faith is NOT the belief that God will do whatever we ask or provide whatever we want. Faith IS the belief that God will do what is right and that despite the outcome; He knows what’s best for each of us. God is always near and always available. Just waiting to hear your voice…to feel your touch. So, let Him know…demonstrate your devotion:

Write a letter.
Be Baptized.
Ask forgiveness
Treat everyone the way you want to be treated, in spite of the way they treat you!
Feed a hungry person
Help the infirmed or elderly
Pray
Teach
Go!

Do something…anything that demonstrates your faith. For faith with no effort isn’t faith at all! God WILL respond, He has never rejected a genuine gesture of faith…Never.

I want to make one thing abundantly clear. In spite of what her oncologist’s unconfirmed ‘feelings’ are (as related in Thursday’s posting), Amy and I have not abandoned hope and we continue to hold to the evidence which continues to point to Amy’s healing. That is not to say that we don’t have our moments of despair, after all we are quite well aware of what the world tells us the odds are (and if any of you aren’t aware, you should be). However, this is where our faith and belief in God and His holy word enters in. I want each of you reading this entry to scroll back to the top of the page and re-read the verse that is always there, because this is what we believe…this is what WE live day in and day out. With God’s strength, we do look through that which is seen (the world and what it tell us is truth) to that which is unseen (the hope and promises that God gives us in His Word that is actual truth).
This blog was created with the intent to supply updates on Amy’s condition, a view into our family life and reflections of Amy’s and my thoughts, fears, hopes and triumphs in the midst of this journey. Sometimes it’s sad, sometimes it shows our weakness, but I always try to drawn it back to a hope. But it is true to our lives, how we feel and what we believe.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Visting hours

2006-10-20T23:42:00.000-05:00

It was a day of visitors for Amy as our niece left from her visit, another friend came and sat with Amy for awhile. During this visit, another came and raked our leaves. Some where in there, another friend (pink!) came to see Amy as well and another friend came and mowed our lawn (thanks Liz!). Then another friend called and told Amy that she was going to drop by, but that she was running to the store first and wanted to know if she needed anything...Pickles. Amy had a break in mid-afternoon and was actually alone for awhile until the kids came home and later in the afternoon, Amy's parents arrived for a weekend visit. So, a lot of activity around the house today. Amy kept her feet up better today and they're not as swollen as they have been.
Please pray for Amy first and foremost, that she continues to improve and that the improvement may be quick. Pray that her Portal Vein Thrombosis resolves itself quickly so the fluid build-up stops. Please pray for the kids as they continue to learn how to deal with the emotions and feelings they are experiencing. And last, please pray for me as I continue to try and find ways to express my emotions, my feelings and my thoughts. It is so incredibly hard at times.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

The ride that never seems to end

2006-10-19T23:28:00.000-05:00

Amy slept a lot today. Each time I called home throughout the day, I woke her up. She's been on prednisone for several days now and I guess I was looking for her to get a boost from it. I guess I was kidding myself.
I had a very uneasy conversation with Amy's oncologist today. I was driving myself to my appointment with my cardiologist when he called me on my cell phone. He said that he was calling me because Amy's last visit was a particularly sad one and he wanted to know how Amy has been over the past few days, how I was holding up and since I wasn't at the last appointment, wanted to know if I needed anything clarified. We talked about the fluid build up and that previous to the onset of that, I thought Amy was starting to turn the corner. We talked about a few other aspects of Amy's recovery when he said that he is concerned and that he expected Amy should have started to get better by now, but instead he has seen a steady decline in her physically, emotionally and mentally. And in spite of every test coming back negative for cancer recurrence, there is a very real chance that the cancer has returned and they just can't detect it right now. He's not saying that it has returned, but he is saying that given Amy's current state of health, that is a posibility. I asked about doing a biopsy to be sure and he said that given Amy's health, he wouldn't suggest it and even if we discovered that the cancer had returned, they wouldn't be able to use that information to change her course of treatment.
I'm not sure how to take what he told me...tonight has been a tough one for me as my mind has been mulling this over and over again.

Psalm 4:1
Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Our ever-present help

2006-10-18T21:43:00.000-05:00

I actually saw some spunk in Amy tonight that I haven't seen in about 2 months. One of the kids did or failed to do something that rose Amy's ire and she gave them what for! I know this may sound like an odd thing to get excited about, but you have to understand that Amy hasn't had the energy to force a smile let alone any sort of discipline and to see her take even this small step is an encouragement.

Psalm 46
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Come and see the works of the LORD, the desolations he has brought on the earth. He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shields [b] with fire. "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

Do you truly believe that? Do you believe that God is your strength...your ever-present help in the face of trouble? I can hear some of you say, ‘but where was God when…’ a loved one died untimely, or left you or betrayed you…and yes, when someone you love was diagnosed with cancer…He’s looking down and with tears running down His checks saying. ‘Oh you, who are weary and heavily burdened, come to me and I will give you rest.’ Again, I can hear, ‘but why did He let this happen!?’ It’s not Him! He didn’t choose this! He didn’t want life to be this way! It was Adam and Eve…It was us!...It was you and I. Through Adam & Eve’s original sin, pain, suffering and decay entered the world. I am here to attest that if it weren’t for God’s strength…God’s ever-present help…God’s perfect love, I know I couldn’t have made it through as far as I have.

Unto Him who consistently shows us His love, His strength and His grace, be shown glory and honor and praise!

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Asleep on her feet

2006-10-17T23:35:00.000-05:00

Amy had another 4.1 liters of fluid drawn from her today. Her sister-in-law DeeDee took her and she said that it was very strange to literally watch her stomach 'deflate'. Amy was extremely tired tonight and actually struggle to remain awake at times. Amy's doctor has put her on prednisone now to help put her on the road to more energy and quicker recovery from the Chemo.
Please help me pray for Amy's quick recovery from the Chemo and for the kids as well. I have noticed a change in our older two in the past week or two that may or may not be related to what's going on with there mother. They both know that they can go and talk with their youth pastor or a counselor if they wish to...or even me. I know it's been tough on them.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Oh chemo you don't!

2006-10-16T23:37:00.000-05:00

Today Amy went down to see her oncologist and to get another chemo treatment. She ended up not having her chemo treatment, in fact her doctor stopped her treatments altogether. Seeing how worn down she was, her lack of energy, her weight loss and her own attitude, he has decided it’s to the point where it’s doing her more harm than good. He went on to say that this doesn’t mean she couldn’t return to treatments, but she obviously needs a break. So, Amy will be seeing her oncologist on a weekly basis for awhile so he can keep and eye on her fluid retention and in a month they will do another CT Scan and at that point make a decision about the chemo. He said that Amy not finishing a full 6 months of chemo doesn’t mean anything, the fact that her CA19-9 is at 100, that two consecutive CT Scans show no recurrence of tumor growth and the fact that the fluid withdrawn from her stomach cavity shows a complete absence of cancer cells, are all very positive aspects.

So, the big question is, how does this make me feel? Imagine you’re an amateur boxer and through out your short career, you’ve been able to hold your own. That is until one day; totally out of the blue your manager tells you that you will be fighting the Bone Crusher…tonight! The Bone Crusher is a full head and a half taller and 75 lbs heavier than you. All of it pure muscle. Only 5 out of his last 100 opponents have made it past 5 rounds with him. You make it to the ring, adrenaline pumping & nervous as all get out and before you know it, it’s round one. You dodge and weave and block some major punches while you dance around the ring. He connects with a might punch to your right arm and you feel all strength leave it and it’s all you can do to protect your arm and your face at the same time. If it weren’t for the round ending bell, the first round might have been the last. Breathing hard and with wobbly knees, you make it back to your corner. Some smelling salts, a splash of water and a quick rub down and you’re being pushed up for round two. This punishment continues round after round and where you’ve scored some blows, his shear strength and size continually pounds you down…wears you out…you’re hurt and you can barely stand…sound is rushing in your ears and everything is like slow motion and the referee separates the two of you and with his hands on your shoulders, looks you square in the eyes and then it’s over…just that quick, he calls the fight over. Part of you is relieved…it’s over, the referee might have saved your life by stopping the fight when he did, but on the other hand, you’ll never know what might have happened…what the impact could have been if it wasn’t stopped.

Relief…fear…intertwined, that’s what I felt.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

An outing

2006-10-14T23:05:00.000-05:00

We went on a little outing today; Amy, Trevor, Vinny, Hope and I all went to the library. I had a few movies that had came in (House of Wax, the original with Vincent Price and the Weather Man with Nicholas Cage)and Amy was picking up a few books that Brittany had ordered and had also came in, but we spent most of our time downstairs in the Children's Library. Vinny was off looking for new Star Wars or robot books and Hope chose a few American Girl books and a book about a pasta maker, become unlikely hero. This book, Amy sat down and read right away to Hope. Amy used to read to our kids almost daily and it was nice to see her doing it again. I sat back and began listening to her retell the story, but I soon found myself listening less and watching more...watching Amy smirk at a particularly humorous circumstance...watching Hope's eyebrows rise or a smile spread across her face as the words that her mother was saying revealed what her eyes where seeing in the pictures on the page. I watched too as other children, hearing the telling, stopped to look and to hear. I watched Amy, ever the teacher, and she literally glowed as she was fully in her element.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

The delicate flower

2006-10-13T22:21:00.000-05:00

I look at her and see a frailness…a certain fragileness that wasn’t there a year ago. With the weight she has lost and the pain she endures, she feels she’s lost aspects of her womanhood that she fears she’ll never reclaim. She turns to me and apologizes for having changed…for not being the woman she once was…the woman I married. I look at her incredulously, tears welling in my eyes; I softly tell her she’s wrong. Like a delicate flower in full bloom, she’s full of beauty and sweat aroma. The smoothness of her skin and softness of her hair, like petals. Her long slender legs, the stem. There may be many things that she can not presently do, but she’s still Amy…sassy…headstrong…who loves to put her ice cold feet on my warm legs…a mother who loves her children and has ALWAYS placed their needs before hers…a woman who loves her husband and continually strives to make him happy.
Her love, dedication and sacrifice have set a bar so high that we, the recipients of such, can only hope to reach half as high. Has she changed? Hardly! Her steadfastness, perseverance, endurance and ability to overcome, puts all of us…well, at least me…to shame.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Amy's personal nurse

2006-10-11T22:24:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Amy was on her feet more than she should have been and as a result, retaining part of the fluid gathering in her belly, her ankles were about 1.5 their normal size. She rested quite a bit today and kept her feet up and now they are pretty much back to normal. I am really getting concerned for Amy, she is nothing but skin and bone (having lost about 65 lbs). Combine this with the fact that she can’t eat many of the foods she used to and she’s loosing many nutrients through this fluid build up, I worry about malnutrition. Please pray that God would heal this clot and fluid retention issue quickly.

Today Brittany had to go to Madison to take her Certified Nurse’s Assistant test. She had spent a good portion of the summer taking courses through the MATC Extension. The test was administered in two parts, a written portion and a ‘hands-on’ portion and she needed to be there by 7:30am. This was good for Brittany; it showed her that she really can achieve any goal she sets her mind to and that anything worth doing is worth working hard for. It was a long day for her as she didn’t finish until sometime around 4:00pm, but they let her know right away that she passed with flying colors! Amy and I couldn’t be more proud of her! To think that our ‘baby’ is taking steps to secure her future; setting real, long term goals and achieving them one step at a time! Is she perfect? Far from it. Will she make mistakes? Most assuredly. But God has gifted us with this young woman to raise and with His continued guidance and grace, she is well on her way to becoming the woman He intends her to be.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

No Chemo, visitors & who R U working 4?

2006-10-10T23:34:00.000-05:00

Well, it’s been several days since I’ve posted a comment, but I’ve been busy trying to clean a nasty piece of malware from our computer and helping Trevor design and build a 3 dimensional model of a sulfur atom (the night before it was due!...needless to say, I wasn’t happy). Anyway, Amy wasn’t able to have her chemo treatment this week as her blood platelets were too low. I view this as a blessing in disguise as she has been very week, tired and discouraged. Maybe this will give her a chance to regain some strength and lift her spirits. They did, however, withdraw another 4.3 liters of fluid from her belly while she was down to Madison yesterday.
Amy had some Iowa visitors today as her mother brought Amy’s aunt and uncle up (who were in Iowa visiting from Tennessee) along with their grandchild and Amy’s (MUCH) older sister Kelly. They went out to lunch together and visited for about three hours before they left to go back. Amy hasn’t seen her aunt and uncle for about 6 years and they had never met Hope. I was at work and wasn’t able to meet up with them, but I am glad for Amy that they were willing to sacrifice the better part of a day to come up for a three hour visit.

2 Peter 3:10-11a But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare. Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be?

What a great question! If you were watching T.V. and the weather man came on and said that a tornado was spotted in the area where you live, what would you do? Take immediate shelter, of course. While you were in college and a professor told you exactly which subjects including chapters and pages where going to be covered on next week’s mid-term, what would you do? Take careful notes so you could use your time wisely. As we live life, we are faced with situations on a daily basis that require a response; you come to an intersection and the light is red, your response (for most people at least) is to stop. For the most part for each situation there is a logical reaction. Later, Peter answers the question; We are to live holy lives and serve God as we wait for and look forward to the coming of the day of God. Just as notification of impending danger elicits an immediate reaction out of us, having read God’s Word and knowing what is expected of His elect and knowing as well what is to come, this too implores a reaction from us. Hope for the future is not a license for irresponsibility in the present. Just because Amy and I are under great physical attack doesn’t mean for one moment that we shouldn’t be about His work. Let us look or ‘wait’ forwardly for the day of the Lord, but let us ‘wait’ actively. For most of us, waiting actually is the problem. We are so good at waiting that miss opportunities and therefore blessings. We forget to look…We are too content…We forget to search the skies…and we seldom, if ever, allow the Holy Spirit to interrupt our ‘all too important’ plans and lead us to His work…for His kingdom…for His worship so that we might see Jesus.

Are you doing His work?

Praise to God!
Your character is holy
Your truth is absolute
Your strength is unending
Your discipline is fair…
Your provisions are abundant for our needs
Your light is adequate for our path
Your grace is sufficient for our sins…
You’re never early, never late
You sent your son in the fullness of time and will return in the consummation of time
Your plan is perfect…
Bewildering…
Puzzling…
Even deeply troubling at times…
But perfect none the less.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Time - an important investment

2006-10-07T23:18:00.000-05:00

Awhile back, a co-worker of mine gave a couple of Badger football tickets to me. It was my intent to take Amy (who, by the way, is a huge sports fanatic), but as the date drew nearer it was plain that she wouldn’t be able to tolerate the walking, the crowds or the length of time required to enjoy the game. So, I took Trevor today to watch the Badgers defeat Northwestern. The seats were incredible, right on the 48 yard line and row 8. We were right behind the Badger bench and were able to watch Stocco warm up as well as their kicker(s). We started the day off having breakfast together as I drove to Madison and during half-time we each had a brat and shared a soda and a big pretzel. It was a good game to watch, full of excitement, a few big plays and enough turn-over’s to make it interesting and fun! The Badgers ended up winning 41 to 9. When we got back home, we continued the theme by playing catch with the football.
It’s difficult enough finding the time to invest with four kids on an individual basis in a normal situation, but when one of the spouses/parents are ill for a lengthy period of time, or incapacitated in some manner, this becomes exponentially more difficult. You have to choose between your kids or your spouse and if you choose your kids, which child get’s your attention? The other kids can not help but notice the extra time spent with the other and this produces other demands on your time. If you choose your spouse, then you have to deal with the guilt of emotional neglect. The obvious answer is balance, but adhering to a strict balance can bring its own set problems as well (who ever said that quality time is better than quantity is dead wrong. If you don’t believe me, test it for yourself).

It is very obvious that Amy’s filling up with fluid again as she looks like she’s about 4 months pregnant. She slept quite a bit this afternoon and is complaining that her sides are hurting her. I fervently pray that the clot will quickly dissipate and pray that Amy will start feeling better each day.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Home, elves and number three

2006-10-06T22:25:00.000-05:00

I brought Amy home today sometime around 4:00pm. The drive was tiring for her, but she was glad to be home. Just like the cobbler, we had ‘elves’ visit our home while I was in Madison with Amy today. These elves came in and not only cleaned our house, but also did laundry and straightened our bedrooms. This was an extremely pleasant surprise and to those of you who did this, thank you ever so much!

While we were waiting for Amy to be discharged this afternoon, I received a call from the High School health office. Brittany was in complaining that her right wrist hurts so much that she was having a hard time writing. The nurse reported that Brittany has a sizable lump near her wrist on her right arm and that Brittany explained that her wrist has been hurting her since playing volleyball at youth group on Wednesday night (this was the first I knew about this!). Being in Madison, I arranged to have one of her friend’s take her to the ER where they looked at her wrist and took some x-rays. Because of swelling, etc, they were not able to make a definitive diagnosis, but feel there’s a good chance that she might have a fracture in her wrist. They put her thumb and wrist in a temporary splint and will re-examine in 3 or 4 days. I’m considering strapping the rest of the family to their beds in order to protect them!

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

The affect

2006-10-05T23:41:00.000-05:00

Amy is again spending the night in the hospital as she continues to have an irregular heart beat. Today they discovered that she’s extremely anemic. So much so that they gave her a blood transfusion. By the time I got down there, she was actually feeling pretty good…however, not even two hours later and she was feeling terrible again.
I would ask that you pray for our kids as this (mother absent and I am gone in the evenings) is really starting to take a toll on them.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Don't be vein

2006-10-04T23:52:00.000-05:00

Amy’s spending another night in the hospital tonight. They had planned on sending her home after they drained some more fluid out of her late this afternoon, but she experienced a very sharp pain afterwards that she never had before and they are still unsure why she’s having these heart PVCs. By the way, they drained a whopping 4.2 liters today, just two days after they drained 3.2 liters! If you’ve been reading, you know that we’ve been concerned as to why this fluid build-up is happening; well, we finally have an answer. Amy had a CT Scan of her abdominal area last night and they revealed the results to us this morning. First, the appearance of the liver shows unchanged since her last scan. This is a VERY good thing! It means that the ‘spots’ that showed up on her liver last time haven’t changed in shape or size and supports the assumption that they are benign Focal Nodular Hyperplasia. Next, the scan also showed that Amy has a clot in her Portal Vein. This vein routes blood from the gastrointestinal tract into the liver. It’s the fact that the flow of blood into the liver is hampered that is causing her fluid build-up. If you remember, when Amy had her ‘whipple’ surgery, the surgeon had to reconstruct Amy’s Portal Vein and in the process narrowed it to some degree. So, they put Amy on a blood thinner to help break-up the clot and a diuretic to help with the fluid build-up.
While we are extremely excited by the news/answers we received today, Amy’s body continues to miss out on needed nutrition as a lot of protein and electrolytes are lost in this fluid and she’s weak enough as it is without this additional loss of nutrients.

I wanted to thank all of you who are praying for us. There are moments where I really feel the weight of this life and I know that if it weren’t for my faith in a very loving, very caring God, the support of friends and family and the prayers of all of you saints, the shear magnitude of it all may very well have over come me.

From Psalm 34:
1 - I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.
3 - Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together.
4 - I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
8 - Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.
15 - The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry;
17 - The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 - The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 - A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;

Taste and see that the Lord is good…This is amazing! Have you ever sat down to eat and had no idea what you were about to eat? You can look at it and smell it and both appearance and scent can deceive, but until you actually taste it, you have absolutely no idea whether you’ll like it or not. Here we have God actually giving us a challenge, he’s saying ‘Come, come and taste/see for yourself, try/test me out and see if I am not good…I will prove to you that I am good.’

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

One of the seven...

2006-10-03T23:56:00.000-05:00

Amy is still in the hospital and it appears that the build-up of fluid is coming right back. Tonight she had a CT Scan and when they brought her back to her room she was white as a sheet and visibly shaken. She had an episode while she was gone where she almost passed out. They still are not sure what’s going on and to be honest, I’m starting to get a tad irritated. In the past 6 hours I’ve had a doctor speak to me condescendingly and several nurses tell me that they couldn’t or wouldn’t do something I directed them to do. Tomorrow we'll hear more on the CT Scan results and Amy is also scheduled for an ECG. I’m tired and I’m grouchy.

The funny thing is, before I left to go see Amy tonight, I had a huge conversation with Brittany about grace and the Lord then provided several opportunities for me to practice what I preached!

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

PVC's and more fluid

2006-10-02T23:25:00.000-05:00

Amy had another round of Chemo today. They said that her WBC (white blood count) was good and that her CA19-9 was 100 (cancer marker) and that is REALLY good! However, they also had to extract another 3.2 liters of fluid from her stomach cavity. She had 2.5 liters removed last Monday, so she’s had 5.7 liters (or a little more that 1.5 gallons) of fluid drained from her in 8 days. This excess fluid pushes against organs and blood vessels and when this fluid is suddenly drained, it’s not uncommon for the person to have a sudden drop in blood pressure, but Amy experienced chest pain and was gasping for her breath. They quickly hooked her up to a heart monitor and noticed that she was having PVC’s (premature ventricular contractions) which are "extra" heartbeats which occur out of sync with the normal regular rhythm of the heart. They had her lay down for a couple of hours and monitored her. Later she got up and they started up again, but this time when they got her back to bed, she kind of passed out (eyes rolled up into the back of her head and she blacked out), this earned her a night’s stay in the hospital where they will keep an eye on her and conduct more tests including a CT Scan.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Family, homecoming and dinner

2006-09-30T22:50:00.000-05:00

We’ve had several members of my family up through much of this week either visiting or coming up to help. This was homecoming weekend and Brittany had asked if we could make supper for a group of her friends, so we had eight kids come and I grilled out and one of the moms provided a nice salad. Everyone was dressed very nicely in their dresses and shirts and ties. It was fun to serve these young men and ladies and fun as well to sit back and listen to their dinner conversation.

Amy had a rough morning, but felt energetic enough to talk with the kids and enjoy the evening. A huge thanks to Denise, Donna and Dave. I’m not sure I could have pulled this off without your help and even if I could have, you not only made it easy, you made it fun.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Testing the stress/Stressing the test

2006-09-28T21:47:00.000-05:00

Amy didn’t sleep well last night so she faced her day tired. Add on to that her on-going digestive issues and you can imagine how weary she is tonight.

Well, I had the active portion of my stress test today. They hooked me up to an EKG, injected me with a radioactive isotope and had me walk on a treadmill for about as long as I could. They then took me into another room where they took scans of my heart. Long story short, the cardiologist didn’t find any blockage or damage to my heart. However, given my family history (my father had a heart attack at 45 and my mother had heart issues), the fact that I have diabetes and that I need to lose weight, my risk factor is high for heart disease. So, things came out good. I’m looking at some life style changes, but isn’t that better than catching it after the fact?

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Wolf! Wooooooooooooolf!

2006-09-27T21:55:00.000-05:00

We’ve been waiting since Monday for return of the lab results on the fluid that was removed from Amy’s stomach cavity. They had said we should hear either Tuesday or Wednesday, but as of 2:00pm today we hadn’t received word and the anticipation got the best of the both of us and Amy asked me to call. The lab tests show that is no sign of cancer. Praise God! We’re still not sure what’s going on with the liver that’s causing the fluid buildup, but at least the cancer hasn’t returned!

I’m starting to feel a bit like the ‘boy who cried wolf’ in that we’ve been confronted time and again with the real possibility that her cancer has returned…and, knowing the significance of that occurrence, I send out the hue and cry. This in turn stirs some people up; either upsetting them or causing them to take a knee and bow their heads. It makes me wonder how many more times I can cry out before, just like the boy, people turn a deaf ear…but look at it in a different light. We receive a report of a possible bad result...I raise the warning flag and request prayer…You (family, friends, even complete strangers) respond by lifting Amy up to God in prayer…The actual report comes back and shows a good result…Whew! OK, I guess that was all for nothing then. But wait a second, not so fast…there’s a portion that’s missing, very possibly the most important part. Right after the portion where you’ve lifted Amy up to God in prayer, the following should be inserted; And God answered your prayers. Did you catch that? AND GOD ANSWERED YOUR PRAYERS. How awesome is that?! It’s not that it was all for nothing and that we shouldn’t have gotten worked up; it’s that you honored God by taking your request before Him with a sincere and humble heart.

James 5:16 ‘…The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.’

God answers prayer-why should we be surprised?

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Implications and answers

2006-09-25T22:12:00.000-05:00

If you’ve been reading this blog for the last couple weeks, you know that Amy’s been dealing with stomach pain almost on a daily basis. And within the last week, we’ve noticed that Amy’s belly has become distended and firm to the touch. So, she had an appointment to see her oncologist today and I wanted to make sure that she asked him about her pain, the stomach swelling and when her next CT Scan would be. This is what she found out:

• Concerning the stomach pain: It very well may be that she'll have this pain at various degrees, for the rest of her life.
• What's with her stomach feeling hard/distended: One of three things - 1) She might have an infection 2) Her liver might be reacting to too much Chemo 3) The cancer might have spread to her liver.
• When is her next CT Scan: Her CT Scan is scheduled for next Tuesday.
• Why a CT Scan when we usually follow up with an MRI anyway: CT Scans do a much better job imaging the stomach area where an MRI does a better job imaging the liver.

After having her chemo today, they performed what they call an Abdominal Paracentesis and withdrew (by needle) over 2 liters of fluid from her abdominal cavity. They call this Ascites and it is the build up of excess fluid in the space between the membranes lining the abdomen and abdominal organs. It is generally associated with some form of liver disease, but can be caused by infection or irritation of either the liver or abdominal lining. They sent the fluid to the lab for testing and we should know in a few days. In the time since she’s had the fluid removed, she doesn’t feel as much stomach pain and a lot less pressure on her sides.

Why does God wait until the money is gone? Why does He wait until the sickness has lingered? Why does He at times choose to wait until a person reaches heaven to answer the prayers for healing? I don’t know. I only know to trust that His timing is always right. I can only say He will do what’s best…Though we hear nothing, He is speaking…though we see nothing, He is acting…though we may stand alone in the dark feeling abandoned…He is present. With God there are no accidents…to Him, no surprises. Every incident…good, bad or indifferent…is intended to bring us closer to Him.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Jigsaw puzzles & Education

2006-09-23T22:25:00.000-05:00

Amy felt pretty good today, we went to St. Vinny’s and picked up a few jigsaw puzzles for her to do, looked at some children’s books and then headed back home. A short, but nice little outing. I know it may sound strange, but I love to go shopping (grocery & Christmas) with her, but only if it’s just the two of us. I simply love her company. There may be long minutes where I don’t say a word, but Amy will be chatting idly on…I love that. For the past couple of days, she’s noticed that her stomach feels hard/firm to the touch and looks some what distended. I would say that we’re a little concerned, but that’s really because we have no idea what is causing it. It’s a good thing she sees her oncologist this Monday when she can inquire about it.

I met with a Diabetic Educator last night. For two hours I answered questions, listened to the educator explain what the disease is and even asked a few questions of my own. I learned about maintenance, risk factors, diet and setting goals. She started the session with an unexpected question…she asked me what my first thought was when I leaned of my diagnosis. I was sort of shocked…taken a-back actually by her question. Not because I didn’t know the answer…oh, I very well knew the answer…but rather how in the first question, she could cut to the very epicenter of my deepest fear. At the notification of my disease, my mind was instantly transported back to May of 2000, to my mother’s deathbed. She too had Diabetes; she was diagnosed at 39 years of age and died of Calciphylaxis which was either brought on or was acerbated by her Diabetes at the age of 66. I can still vividly see her in her bed, moaning and weeping from the excruciating pain. They had to keep her on such a high dose of morphine that she never quite gained consciousness and the sight of the huge open sores on her legs that continued to grow and never healed is forever burned into my memory. That was what went through my mind; her beautiful life…her horrific death…our common disease. I know just because my mother had Calciphylaxis, doesn’t mean that I’ll contract it, but that is what went through my thoughts.

I will praise your name oh Lord, I will sing of your goodness all day long. For there is none as great as you and none worthy of my worship but You.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

2..calling #2...Hey, that's my number.

2006-09-21T22:44:00.000-05:00

Amy's been dealing with more stomach pain and at times her stomach area feels hard to the touch, not sure what that's about, but she sees her oncologist next week and she will be asking him about it. Lately she's been eating very well, but still dealing with digestive issues.

A couple of days ago while at work, I experienced a 'health' episode that included: shortness of breath, intermittent chest pain & sudden cold sweats. This continued from 3:00pm to about 6:30pm. Not being sure if it was heartburn, indigestion, stress related (or just bad gas!), I didn't go to the ER and the next day everything seemed back to normal, but under pressure from my wife, I did schedule an appointment to see my doctor. I had that appointment this morning and initial tests show that while I didn't have a heart attack or anything like that, there are some concerns that I might have a blockage (used the words Cardiac ischemia - a term given to heart problems caused by narrowed heart arteries). I will be having a follow-up appointment with my primary doc tomorrow to review lab results and then I am supposed to go to Madison next week (on Wed and Thurs) to meet a Cardiologist and have a Cardiolite Stress Test done (they will shoot die into my blood stream so they can watch the actions of my heart while under pressure). Truth be told, I've suspected that I might have some issues for some time now (I've had similar bouts, but never lasting longer then 3 minutes and not really any cold sweats), but through a combination of male denial and the need to step up and be the steadying force for my wife and kids during Amy's struggle, I have ignored it and have kept silent. I also wanted to share that the doctor I saw today, when all was said and done, actually asked if we could pray together! I about fell off my chair! Never in my whole life have I had a doctor ask me that! It was really nice. Later in the day while I was waiting for Trevor’s football practice to end, my doc called me on my cell phone. He wanted to cover a portion of my labs with me (ok, I’m starting to think, why can’t this wait until tomorrow?). He said that my liver function is good, my kidney function is good, my heart proteins were normal, even my cholesterol was really good…however, my blood sugar level was 500…normal is below 200…I am Diabetic.

We are going to be confronted with problems/situations in life that we don't know how to cope with. It may be in the form of physical sickness, financial failures, emotional turmoil or devastating loss. There may be those times during which you feel that God is further away than the most distant star. You may have a desert experience, barren and dry, or you may go through a deep dark, lonesome valley. I want you to understand one thing: Amy and I are in this place for a reason. God wants us or someone out their reading and watching to learn something from it. And if we will cling to our faith in Him, we will emerge stronger than ever before! He is an ever-present help in time of need and we can stand on the direct promises He has given to all of us through His Word. He will never fail you. The scriptures offer clear and direct promises that we can depend on.

Psalm 56:3,4 - What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.

So, I would ask that you keep me in your prayers, there's already one of us who’s currently out of commission, I'm not sure we could handle another.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Can you hear it over the noise?

2006-09-19T23:58:00.000-05:00

Again, Amy started the day feeling pretty good, but as afternoon came on, so did the stomach pain. I can tell this is frustrating her as she wants to be up, doing things around the house and feeling a certain amount of self-worth. This isn’t being pressed into her, but is coming from within herself. I believe from a sense of needing a return to normalcy. As usual, please continue to pray that Amy will start feeling better soon. I would ask if you could, please offer a prayer for Dan & Arlene Hait. Even though we do not personally know this couple from Milwaukee (good friends of ours from church know them), they just found out this past Friday that Arlene has stage 4 (end stage) Pancreatic Cancer. When they asked their doctor about long term prognosis, all he said was that she should get her affairs in order as quickly as possible. Being in their forties, they have a 12 year old son named Ben. Please keep this family in your prayers.

Listen, this is important. There is never a time during which Jesus isn’t speaking to us. Never. There is never a place in which Jesus isn’t present. Never. There is never a room so dark…a concert too noisy…a wasteland so desolate…or an office so sophisticated…that the ever-present, ever-pursuing, relentlessly tender Friend is not there…speaking words of guidance…tapping gently on the doors of our hearts…waiting to be invited in. Few hear His voice, few follow His guidance and fewer still open the door. But never interpret our avoidance or numbness as His absence. For in the midst of this world full of fleeting promises of fame, fortune and pleasure, is the timeless promise of His presence. Hebrews 13:5 says: ‘Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.’ and in Matthew 28:20: ‘Surely I am with you always, even to the very end of the age.’
There is no amount of noise so loud or place so remote that the voice of God cannot be heard…if we but listen.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

What's in a name...

2006-09-18T12:12:00.000-05:00

Amy didn’t start off having the best of weekends. Friday night and most of Saturday, she dealt with stomach pain and issues brought on by that. It wasn’t until Sunday evening that she started to be a bit more active (although she did teach her Sunday school class on Sunday morning). Part of the issue that we are discovering is, she has a real issue with fried or especially deep fried foods and we really need to keep her away from those. For the first time in at least 9 months, Amy actually stayed up late with me. It had been our routine to get the younger two in bed by 7:30/8:00 and the older two in bed by 9:00 and then the next hour or two were ours to talk, watch T.V. together or whatever we decided. It was really nice.

Last Friday, I wrote about Psalms 46:10 - Be still and know that I am God and I asked what that means to you? To me it means that there are/will be times when I get caught up in the busyness of life or maybe even caught up in the ‘light and momentary troubles’ of life and sometimes I need to stop…put everything out of my mind (worry, planning, etc) and focus…think…and meditate on how I know God is God. So, Friday night as I was thinking about this, Proverbs 18:10 came to mind which reads: The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe. I started thinking about the different names of God and thought, what a great way to know who God is! The Old Testament Jews had many names for God and each name described the different characteristics of God. Look at these for a few:
When you are lost or confused about the future, go to your Jehovah-Raah, your caring shepherd.
When you are anxious about provision, talk to Jehovah-Jireh, the Lord who provides.
Do you feel trapped? Are your challenges too great? Seek the help of Jehovah-Shalom, the Lord is peace.
Are you sick or injured? Are your emotions weak? Jehovah-Rophe, the Lord who heals you, will see you now.
Do you feel like a soldier stranded behind enemy lines? Take refuge in Jehovah-Nissi, the Lord my banner.

Meditating on the names of God reminds us (you and I) of the character of God and knowing His character tells us who He is.

Take these names and bury them in your heart.
God is:
The shepherd who cares.
The Lord who provides.
The voice who brings peace in the storm.
The physician who heals the sick.
The banner that guides.

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V

Be still already!

2006-09-15T23:01:00.000-05:00

Hmm…I’ve sat here for about 20 minutes trying to figure out what to say tonight and honestly, nothing has come to mind. This isn’t the first time I’ve ran into the proverbial ‘wall’ trying to think of something relevant to say about Amy’s day or relating a piece of inspired thought God has blessed me with. At those times, I find that if I just start writing, something usually comes to mind…but not tonight. The only thing that comes to mind is the verse from Psalms 46:10 - Be still and know that I am God. So, with that in mind, I think I will go and do just that.
Oh, and before I go, I would like you to think on that verse if you would and then please tell me what it means to you?

This is Amy's story as seen and told by me – V